The cost of attending a wedding is expensive. How to decide if you can afford to be a guest.

On the first weekend in October I attended my eighth wedding of the year. Of those eight weddings, one involved an international flight, two took place domestically, and the rest—all but one—required an overnight stay in another city. As my own Instagram was deluged with confetti-drenched couples, bouquets of flowers, and champagne flutes, I soon realized I wasn’t the only person who seemed to spend every other weekend at a wedding.

According to The Knot, the US is in the midst of a major wedding boom, with data suggesting around 2.6 million weddings were planned for 2022, up from the average of 2.2 million in the years leading up to the pandemic. That study also found that 75 percent of couples who got engaged in 2021 set a wedding date in 2022. “What’s happening right now is the impact of Covid,” says therapist Landis Bejar, founder and director of wedding counseling service AisleTalk in New York City. “Guests have been inundated with all these invitations for postponed weddings, events already on the calendar and for new engagements during the pandemic. We are really being bombed.”

The difficult thing about this year, in particular, is that this boom in weddings and related events — bridal showers, bachelorette and bachelorette weekends, welcome drinks, post-wedding brunches — also comes at a time when our time, energy, and money are more precious than ever ever. “Between inflation and the impact of Covid on our bank accounts, many people are suffering financially,” says Bejar. “It’s not personal and it’s not a secret. There’s a systemic phenomenon right now where we can’t say yes to as many things as we want, either from a financial perspective or because of the logistics of traveling and being in a large group.” Putting aside the potential health risks of socializing places Many people find that they no longer have the physical or emotional energy that they used to have, which means that spending several days partying can be exhausting in many ways.

But what should a guest do? Even without the impact of the pandemic and the economy, weddings come with their own complex emotions and expectations. According to Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol, you are entitled to more autonomy than you probably realised. “I don’t think anyone should be required to attend something they just don’t want to go to,” says Swann. “Anytime you don’t want to be a part of something, don’t do it. That’s it.”

Luckily, it’s possible to protect your time and money during a busy wedding season without destroying friendships – you just have to tread carefully.

Have some empathy and put yourself in the shoes of the couple

With the multibillion-dollar wedding industry showing absolutely no signs of slowing down, it’s easy to label many weddings and related events as unnecessarily fussy, over-the-top, and in some cases somewhat reckless of guests’ time and money. However, when it comes to deciding what you’re willing to sacrifice to attend an event, Bejar believes it’s important to stop and think about the wedding from the couple’s perspective before getting upset that you’re making a tough decision must meet . Weddings are essentially a celebration, a community gathering and, for many, a cultural tradition. Donut walls, pricey venues and signature cocktails aside, there are many reasons why these events mean a lot to people, especially in 2022.

Bejar suggests considering the time period when the couple may not have been able to celebrate as they had hoped, as those years of frustration and disappointment can affect the weddings people are planning right now. “Couples focus on making up for their own lost time,” says Bejar. “People don’t realize how many other wedding invitations you’ve gotten this year or even within a few months. No couple who invited you to their wedding feels like this or would consider it when trying to celebrate their love.”

While empathy is an important first step in understanding why today’s weddings are the way they are, Bejar says it doesn’t necessarily have to influence your final decision. Rather, it’s a helpful exercise in understanding why people are asking so much of their guests right now.

Think about what you can afford mentally and financially

When it comes to your personal resources—emotionally, physically, and financially—only you can determine what you lack. Most of us aren’t used to prioritizing our friendships, but when deciding if you can afford to attend a wedding, you need to assess the worth of each and everyone involved.

“Like friendship, time and money are not on the same axis,” says Bejar. “When making decisions around weddings, it can be helpful to start with what brings the least emotion, which is usually your budget.” Bejar suggests doing a cost-benefit analysis, involving yourself asking about the financial cost of attending the event, followed by the emotional cost of attending or not attending.

“It’s important to look at all of these factors and ask yourself, ‘Is there some part of it that I can participate in?'” she says. “The conversation about not being able to attend a wedding is very different than a conversation about being able to attend a bachelorette party.” Once you’ve decided that your attendance at an event is non-negotiable, there are things you can do like e.g.

Give wedding invitations the attention and care they deserve

While an invitation to a wedding, destination, or other location can be a costly affair, asking to be part of someone’s bridal shower brings with it a whole new set of costs and expectations. According to Swann, it’s important to figure out exactly what the bride and groom want from their bridal shower before they agree. “Often we get very excited and emotionally involved and say yes without knowing what it means – and then you find out that for a bachelorette party you have to take a $5,000 trip to Mexico,” she says.

It’s also helpful to understand what’s traditionally expected of attendees at a bridal shower. For example, according to Swann, bridesmaids can expect to pay for their own dress and shoes, but should be able to do their own hair and makeup unless paid for by the bride. Taking the time to think about what you can afford before responding means you won’t let a close friend down by having to step out of certain commitments in a few months.

If you’re not going to be at the bridal shower but are being invited to bachelorette and bachelorette events that are beyond your budget, it’s best to speak to the organizer of the event rather than the person getting married. While you’re not the only person who feels a plan is getting a little too expensive, Swann cautions against standing up for others as it can come across as a mob mentality. Instead, she suggests speaking on behalf of yourself — and your financial situation — and offering concrete solutions that could make the event more affordable, like less forced to buy something new.

Properly decline invitations. Here’s how to answer.

How you register for events can have a big impact on how your decision is received. According to Bejar, the most important thing is to quit as early as possible. “For brides and grooms, there’s nothing more frustrating than chasing after someone,” she says. “These people are trying to round up staff numbers so they can go back to the providers and now not only does it feel emotionally difficult that you can’t be there, but you’re making it a logistical problem.”

So you know you don’t want to go and the time has come to share the news. What now? According to Swann, the best way to RSVP is to follow the lead of whoever sent the invite. If you were invited to RSVP via email, do so. Similarly, if you received an invitation through a couple’s wedding website, update your attendance there. Bejar also recommends having a face-to-face conversation with the couple if you’re close, as the tone of the text can be easily misunderstood.

How many details you need to share will vary from situation to situation. If you turn down an invitation from a casual acquaintance or colleague, both Bejar and Swann believe it’s okay to politely answer “no” without explanation. When it comes to turning down invitations based on your budget, Swann suggests evaluating the situation carefully, as it can put pressure on couples to find a way to make the event more affordable for you, either by paying some of your costs yourself accept or contribute favors such as carpooling or lodging discounts. “If you’re really just tired or burned out – or just don’t want to go – don’t give them a reason to try and fix it. Just decline and send well wishes,” says Swann.

On the other hand, Bejar believes it can be helpful to be open about your finances when talking to a close friend or family member. “If you keep the fact that your RSVP is finance-related to yourself, people will be left to interpret why you’re not coming,” she says. “Vulnerability almost always connects people. It actually often prevents what everyone fears in those conversations: someone getting mad at you.” The pandemic has also caused many couples to be far more empathetic to people’s unique circumstances. Just as friends and family were once annoyed that a couple eloped or had a tiny guest list, most people now have more sympathy for declined invitations than in the past.

When navigating the minefield that weddings can be, it helps to keep coming back to what they mean for couples. “Remember that the most important thing your participation represents is your support for your union and your recognition that this is a special moment for you,” says Bejar. “When you’re having important conversations like this, it’s important to bring it back to the heart of the matter, which is, ‘Even though I can’t come to your wedding, I want you to know it’s a big deal and I’m excited.’ me for you.”

Gyan Jankovich is a Sydney-based journalist focused on lifestyle, culture and friendship.

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