A Psychologist Teaches You How To Regain Control When Things Are Spiraling

When we fail the fourth, fifth, or tenth time after promising ourselves to do better, it can be difficult to trust ourselves again. Scary and unsettling questions start to haunt us, such as:

• “Am I just badly done?”
• “Do you want my life to be like this forever?”
• “What if I never change and end up alone?”
• “Do I just never want to be happy? Am I naturally self-destructive?”

These questions create an impossible narrative that doesn’t leave enough room for the mistakes or mistakes that are part of the self-growth formula. You may experience self-sabotage.

So what’s the right way to deal with life’s inevitable disappointments so as not to send yourself into a downward spiral? Here are three techniques you can use when mistakes or setbacks cause your life to spiral out of control.

#1. Choose self-compassion over self-criticism

Sometimes we get caught in vicious circles where we set impossible standards, fail to meet them, and become insurmountably ashamed (which can prompt us to set even higher standards next time).

The most effective way to break this cycle is to eliminate shame and self-punishment through self-compassion—that is, showing ourselves the same kindness that we would show other people in our position.

According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology BulletinDo you show compassion for yourself when you:

1. Notice when you are in pain (without letting go of or getting caught up in your feelings)
2. Realize that experiencing stress is part of being human (as opposed to feeling isolated by those experiences)
3. Offer yourself kindness (as opposed to severe self-criticism)

Self-compassion not only has a positive impact on our well-being and physical health, but it can also help change the course of our lives by breaking pathological patterns in which we can get stuck.

Here’s an exercise for anyone struggling with self-compassion: Respond to your actions as you would to those of a loved one. For example, if your best friend keeps going back to the same toxic ex, do you blame them and leave them? Or do you point out their mistakes and help them book a therapy session? Here’s another example. When your siblings are too scared to leave a job they’re unhappy with, do you chastise them by telling them they’re not good enough? Or will you help them find a way to quit their job without ruining their lives?

#2. Learn how to press the pause button

The idea of ​​facing the negative consequences of our actions can lead us into an avoidance spiral. We can run away from them and waste precious time that we could have used to fix the problem.

This leads to an impaired life experience – we judge ourselves, overreact to feelings of “overwhelm” and develop maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Studies show that mindfulness can help heal such issues and help us rediscover our psychological center.

Practicing mindfulness through practices like meditation, certain types of therapies like dialectical behavioral therapy, and objectively observing our thoughts and feelings can help us develop what researchers call a “mindful personality.”

To put it simply, mindfulness can help untie the knots we’ve been carrying around our entire lives.

So the next time you’re tempted to get out of hand, take a swipe, think about the long-term consequences your actions might have, and let your feelings take over and backtrack before you make hasty decisions .

#3. Draft your epilogue for perspective

The thought that one day we will be gone is sad in a way, but it can also inspire change and growth if we change our perspective a bit.

Instead of thinking about when, how, or why you will die, think about how you want to be remembered and what legacy you want to leave behind. It doesn’t have to be sublime, it just has to be real.

A recently published study in the Personality Research Journal found that when asked how they would like to be remembered or when asked to share memories they thought represented them, most people told stories that portrayed them as good, virtuous people . It also inspired them to be better versions of themselves in the future.

Accepting our mortality can help us become the best version of ourselves. It can also remind us of certain parts of ourselves that may be underestimated.

Here’s another exercise to break the downward spiral: Write down the legacy and memories you want to leave behind, and try to live up to that narrative as best you can.

Conclusion

We are all our own worst enemies at times. To break a self-destructive downward spiral, (1) be kind to yourself by choosing self-compassion over self-criticism, (2) practice mindfulness to ride emotional waves, and (3) reflect on the legacy you have want to leave behind and let it guide you in the present.