How To Get Better at Dating With the Help of 8 Expert Tips

fAnyone who feels they haven’t had much luck in the dating world may be wondering if there’s something they can do to… get better at it. But since adjectives like “good” and “bad” are subjective, there’s no universal agreement on what it means to be good at bad or dating. That means there are Some commonly agreed guidelines that can help you up your game to find a perfect partner if that is your goal.

“If you’re mindless, manipulative, and bad at communication, you’re bad at dating,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, associate professor of human communication studies at California State University, Fullerton, and an expert in sex and relationships. “In the meantime, if you’re mindful, communicative, and authentic, you can date pretty well,” she says.

But how do you bring your most communicative, authentic self to the dating game? Find the best, expert-backed tips ahead of time to do just that. Get ready to be a top tier dater in no time.

Ready to learn how to get better at dating? These 8 tips can help:

1. Find out what you want

There are a number of reasons someone might date and just one of those reasons is to date someone to get married. These reasons include researching their sexual orientation, finding a secondary or tertiary partner, and meeting people in a new city, to name a few. “It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, otherwise you won’t get what you really want,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Jor-El Caraballo.

“It’s so important to be honest with yourself about what you want, otherwise you won’t get what you want.” —Jor-El Caraballo, relationship expert

To distill your answer, simply ask yourself, “What do I want?” Your answer to this question will determine how you approach dating, including the apps you download (if any), what you put in your bio (if applicable), and how you respond when a potential partner asks you what you’re looking for .

2. Be realistic

Beyond what you want to gain from a date, you have to determine how much effort you’re willing to put into it, says Caraballo. After all, wanting to go on a date and actually prioritizing it, doing it mindfully, is not the same thing.

So, consider if you are willing to give up something in your life to devote more time and energy to dating. For example, will you exercise one less day a week? Will you be spending less time on TikTok? The day only has a finite number of hours, says Caraballo. So unless you figure out what you’re going to trim, you’re going to have a hard time adding dates.

How much do you have to trim elsewhere to stay current? Ultimately, it’s subjective, depending on the current demands of your schedule and the size of your dating, sex, intimacy, and relationship goals. “You should invest as much time as possible into making sure your dating life is helping you achieve your goals,” says Caraballo. “Those looking for sturdier or more permanent connections would do well to invest more time finding the right fit,” he says.

Of course, simply dedicating more time to dating doesn’t guarantee you’ll achieve your dating goal (and in fact, you can achieve that goal without the extra time), but like anything else in life, direct the effort toward an intention a useful tool to achieve goals.

3. Listen more

People often worry more about being Interesting as they are Interestedsays Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. As a result, in order to be interesting, you may not be a good listener. This can result in one person walking off a date feeling like they can write the other’s bio, while the other leaves without information that would actually help them decide if they want to see someone for another two hours.

A little self-reflection will help you understand which of the two categories you tend to fall into.

4. Do activities that you really enjoy

“When you go on a date, when you do things that you actually enjoy, it becomes easier not to get weighed down by dates that aren’t exciting or joyful,” says Caraballo. While dinner and a movie and Netflix and chilling out can be popular date plans, they don’t have to be your Go-to-date night plans.

If you’ve always wanted to try pottery, do it with someone you’d like to court. And if you love weekend wine tasting, see if you can find someone to join you. You might even invite a date to things you do to have getting ready. For example, if your dog needs a walk, why not invite your right wing to meet you on a dog-friendly hike or slope at the dog park? Need to go shopping? Why not invite your date to your favorite farmers market? Who says errands can’t be dates?

5. Actually meet

If all you’re looking for is a sexy pen pal, a text-only relationship is A-okay. But if you’re ultimately looking for a personal relationship, Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn to meet as soon as possible. “Chemistry is different face-to-face than text, so the sooner you know the better,” she says.

If you generally prefer to learn more about someone before meeting them in person, she recommends FaceTiming the person or calling them on the phone before meeting them. Both mediums allow you to gather additional information so that you can make an informed decision about whether you actually want to meet that person in person.

6. Say goodbye to the old rules

As the saying goes, rules are made to be broken. And as far as old-school dating rules go, nothing could be truer. When it comes to how long to wait to have sex or who’s paying for the first date, Caraballo says to ignore all preconceived notions.

“These dating rules are based on the idea that you have to do things right or you risk losing a potential suitor,” he says, adding that that’s just not true. For example, the kind of person who is a good match for you isn’t put off by things like the speed with which you reply to them. What matters is that you communicate your expectations and demand the same of them: “That kind of vulnerability and courage is fertile ground for any kind of connection to grow and thrive,” he adds.

7. Be proactive about improving your relationship skills

They know that employers value motivated employees, and according to Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn your partners and potential partners will appreciate this instinct as well. “People who are good at dating are proactive in constantly deepening the relationships they’re exploring so those relationships don’t get stuck,” she says.

“People who are good at dating proactively deepen the relationships they explore so those relationships don’t get stuck.” —Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert.

In practice, this looks like planning hang times in advance, actually planning dates, asking deeper questions, being increasingly vulnerable, and encouraging deeper intimacy, says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn.

8. Take a break when you need it

To be perfectly clear, dating isn’t always going to be super exciting and joyful, but it shouldn’t weigh you down, drain your energy, or send you down a spiral of hopelessness. “If you find yourself starting to get disillusioned, taking a break for two days or two months or however long it takes you is totally right,” says Caraballo. If you have the time capacity and emotional range to show up and be vulnerable enough to date someone else, try again, he says. The only dating timeline that matters is your own.