How to grow your own strawberries

By Ava Zardynezhad, September 16, 2022—

Have you always dreamed of being one of those people with their own garden? Ever wanted to harvest your own produce to feel superior to everyone else? Well, follow this simple guide on how to grow your own strawberries, and you too can bask in the glow of the elitism that comes with basic plant care skills.

Step 1: Acquire a strawberry plant

You can get strawberry plants at most department stores, grocery stores, and home and hardware stores across the city. You can also start your own plant from seed – this will give you more points overall as you would have unlocked ‘Germination’. If you already have a strawberry plant planted in your garden, you don’t need another one. You’ll soon learn that strawberries are the roaches of plants – not even a nuclear winter can kill them.

Step 2: Water your plant

Or not. Honestly, strawberries are super low maintenance. In the dry 35 degree Calgary sun in July, you can forget about them for weeks and they’ll look just fine next time it rains. But if you’re really hoping to get some fruit from those bushes, I would recommend watering your plant a few times a week.

Step 3: Make heart eyes on the flowers

So, at some point along the journey, your plant will flower. Strawberries are strong, self-sufficient plants too, they pollinate themselves. All you really have to do is look at the flowers, admire them, praise them, tell them they look pretty today, and then out of the way to go.

Step 4: See Your First Strawberry

After a few failed attempts you will get your first strawberry. It’ll look sickly and pale – a bit like Benjamin Button – but that’s how you want them. You’ll look after your strawberry like it’s your baby, your only child. You will make sure it gets enough light and enough shade to mature and grow. If you play your cards right, your strawberry will eventually turn colour.

Step 5: Watch a magpie eat your strawberry

They will count the days until harvest. Your strawberry is pink but not quite ripe yet. you will be patient But when harvest day comes, you’ll find that the neighborhood magpies get there first. There’s a huge wound in your strawberry. If you have more strawberries, no, you don’t have. Because magpies don’t just eat a full strawberry and call it a day. They will bite any red they see. Just like that, summer is over and you’ve been waiting for strawberries for three months, only to end up not eating any of them.

Step 6: Find a rabbit chewing on your plant

This is the last step in the life cycle of a strawberry plant. Once the fruit is eaten by reckless birds, other creatures will go for the leaves and stems. One day a strawberry bush will cover half of your garden bed, the next day there will only be a small stub left in the ground. But no worry. Because somehow your plant will rise from the ashes next summer – and so the cycle continues.

This article is part of our Humor section.