How to Help Caretakers From Burning Out

I spend five days each week listening to people’s struggles, trauma and regrets. I talk to them about their smallest worries and their biggest fears.

If I’m not careful, my work as a therapist will leave me feeling drained at the end of the day. Luckily, a way of caring about people keeps you from burning out. I’m going to share two of the most important lessons I’ve learned as a therapist, so you can help people you care about without being overwhelmed by their problems.

There are different types of care.

Take a moment to imagine what it’s like to be a therapist. When you feel empowered and rewarded, think of some type of nurturing. If you’re feeling drained and drained, think of something else.

Like good cholesterol and bad cholesterol foods, regular fires and fat fires, Michael Jackson from the Jackson 5 and solo career Michael Jackson, the two types of grooming are technically the same, but their qualities are vastly different.

Care that makes you feel exhausted is usually non-consensual care. Care that makes you feel more connected and supportive is consensual care. These types of care are not binary. They exist along a spectrum. Consensual care has clear boundaries, rules, and expectations, and both parties freely agree to what needs to happen to make a person feel better. Non-consensual care is the exact opposite. There are unclear boundaries, rules and expectations; One person does not fully volunteer for this arrangement, and another somehow gets hurt.

Here are some examples to illustrate the different ways care can be distributed along this spectrum:

• A tip for really good service vs. an automatic twenty percent tip.
• Choose overtime for extra money or get asked to work overtime or get fired.
• A planned pregnancy vs. an unplanned pregnancy.

Another way to understand this concept is to look at consensual vs. non-consensual violence. When you agree on clear rules and expectations, violence is not only allowed, it can be a unifying experience. Martial arts, pranks and BDSM are just a few examples. Conversely, if you start an argument with a stranger, violence is non-consensual and unpredictable. Everything you do towards someone affects you based on the recipient’s reaction.

Hugging or slapping someone in the face is not inherently good or bad. It depends on what the other wants. An example is the work of Carol Gilligan, which conceives caring as an experience between people and not just as something done by one person to another.

When you start giving someone unwanted advice, or when you are forced to help someone, it affects one person positively and another person negatively. On the other hand, it has a positive effect on both people when one gets the help they ask for. One person receives the help they desire, and the other feels rewarded with gratitude or appreciation. But the only way to ensure both are on the same page is through conversation and communication.

That brings me to the second important lesson.

If the caregiving is not consensual, you should have a conversation to change the rules and expectations, or consider ending the relationship.

Take another moment to imagine what it’s like to be a therapist. You may think that you have to help people with all kinds of problems all day long. In reality, I usually decide who to help, when we talk, how long we talk, and both the client and I decide what to talk about. We both enter the relationship voluntarily and enter each session voluntarily.

Any of these terms are subject to change. For example, either the client or I could start showing up late or missing appointments. Any one of us could start talking too much about something that the other doesn’t find helpful. Or maybe one of us is trying to extend the session longer than normal time. There is no limit to the number of obstacles that could stand in the way of consensual caregiving in a relationship.

Grooming can go from consensual to non-consensual very subtly. Maybe I’m feeling sick and should have canceled clients for the day, but I’ve decided to push through. As the day goes on I feel worse and worse. Then I may feel resentment toward clients who come unprepared or don’t talk about what I think is important to talk about. Since I was reluctant to start my workday, I made this consensual care closer to non-consensual care.

Whether the change is something more subtle, like in the example above, or something more obvious, like a customer wanting a service, I don’t typically offer it. Negotiations need to take place to see if we can reset the relationship. It’s not always someone’s fault when care doesn’t become consensual. The cause may be beyond a person’s control. But to decide whether to continue the relationship or not, both sides must agree.

You have just read two of the most important lessons I use as a therapist to keep myself from getting unnecessarily angry, hurt, or crushed by my work. Use these ideas to your advantage. The next time your parents are being overbearing or you’re trying to help a friend but they won’t listen, reach out to change the way you care.

I would recommend one of these statements:

If you get some kind of help that you don’t want or need, you can say:

“I’m not really looking for help or advice, I’m looking for _______”

If someone doesn’t offer your suggestion for help, you can ask:

“Do you want my help with that? Or do you want something else from me?”

I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and that you will be more mindful when offering help from now on.