How to Make Time for Self-Care When You’re a Hot Mess
We know we should make time to journal, plan meals, shop at the local farmer’s market, read books, take a bath, or fall asleep to binaural beats. whatever you are Choose-your-own-adventure form of self-care looks like, it contributes to your well-being, regulates your nervous system and ultimately feeds your sense of “flow”.
But the truth is that, despite what the internet might have you believe, most people don’t live perfectly groomed, carefree lives filled with self-care rituals. IIf throwing in some level of self-care feels more like a fantasy, it’s probably because life always throws in some less than desirable variables (think: a health crisis, the loss of a loved one, a swipe on the way to work, a messy kitchen, feeling behind on a project). And sometimes those moments intersect, sending you into a spiral of overwhelm so affectionately known as “the hot mess.”
Seasons like these are part of life. It’s okay to feel their full weight, and it can be helpful to know that they will pass. No matter how hard we try to keep order, sometimes we get carried away by the chaos of life. Unfortunately, this is when all forms of self-care are jettisoned, which is ironic because it’s also key to our sanity. How do you hold it together when it’s all falling apart? How can you commit to self-care when it feels like you’re literally living in a dumpster? I’ve been writing and practicing about self-care for almost a decade, so I’ve managed to pick up a few strategies to keep myself afloat. If you’re basking in a thousand little fires, I hope these tips can help bring the temperature down a few degrees.
1. Embrace the chaos
Easier said than done, but sometimes our resistance to chaos is part of the problem. Life wasn’t meant to be perfect, and it’s certainly not your fault if it isn’t. Allowing yourself to accept that things can feel a little messy for a while is an act of self-care in itself. When I give my life permission to be tough, my nervous system calms down because I’m no longer trying to activate fight-or-flight mode. When I allow challenges to arise in my life, I am better prepared to deal with them. By the way, allowing life to be tough isn’t the same as expecting the worst—that’s a recipe for fear. The nuance here is acceptance versus anticipation. Things can feel challenging, but that doesn’t mean they always are.
2. Give yourself grace
OK, so you’ve dropped every self-care routine you’ve ever known. Or maybe you’ve never been able to stick to the healthy habits you crave. First of all, welcome to the club. You are not alone. It may not seem like it because people don’t like to wear their burnout on their sleeves, but I assure you, you’re in very good company. Second, know that you are not failing at self-care. you survive That is an achievement in itself. As I feel the words “failure” on my lips, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am a single person with finite resources. I forgive myself for feeling like I’m not doing enough. Forward urge is forward urge, even at a snail’s pace. And every day is a new opportunity to try again.
3. Reframe time as a commodity you own
A commodity is something you can own, trade, buy, and sell. I really want this to sink in. The reason why things sometimes feel extra heavy and other times feel easier is almost always due to time. A balanced life is about having the time to do what you need to do and what you love to do. When time is limited, we tend to drop what we love in favor of the necessary. But recognizing that our time is ours — and that we can control how we use it — can empower us to throw a little more self-care into the mix.
4. Add up the time you have
Once you own your time, take stock of how much of it you have actually to have. This will teach you what makes sense for self-care inclusion. For example, I am a mother of a small child. She has a knack for getting into trouble when my back is turned, so I can’t count on overexerting myself while she’s around. That means I have an hour while she’s sleeping, two hours in the morning while my husband is on duty, and maybe two hours after she falls asleep at night to do something worthwhile. That’s five hours every day. Looking at it from a bird’s eye view, devoting 10-30 minutes a day to a self-care ritual doesn’t feel so absurd.
5. Prioritize the clutter
Now that you know how many hours you own in a day, consider what fires to put out. Some of them may not burn as brightly as you think. For example, I have a couple of smart ceiling fans in my house that are desperate for tech support. The Bluetooth controller constantly communicates with each other. So when I try to turn on the light in my bedroom at night, the ceiling fan in my baby’s room also comes on – while he’s sleeping! But, you know what? This is a “next week” issue. fFind out what your problems are in the next week. This is important because if you don’t, every single little problem that falls out of the sky will take precedence over your mental health. If you want to take time for yourself, you have to send some of your fires into the future.
6. Choose your strongest form of self-care
Of course, if you’re short on time, you can’t devote a whole day to all the self-care rituals you love. So it’s time to consider the practices that will make the biggest impact in the shortest amount of time. This will look different for everyone. For my husband it’s a 30 minute power nap. For me it’s a 15 minute meditation. For you, it could be a bath, a facial, or a walk around the block. It doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as you choose something. If you’re not sure which practices are producing results, try a few! Cycle through some of your favorites and pay attention to whether or not they are talking to you. You might surprise yourself at how good you feel after doing something as simple as a five-minute gua sha routine.
7. Block time on your calendar for self-care
I’m sure you saw this coming, but it’s cliche for a reason, folks. If it’s not on some kind of to-do list, it probably won’t get done. If you’d rather add your self-care practice to your actual to-do list, that’s not a bad idea either. However, using a calendar regularly will remind you how important it is and make it happen. And if you share a calendar, it can serve as a reminder to others that this is a non-negotiable time for you.
8. When you take care of yourself, you feel it
When life is in hot chaos mode, it’s so easy to rush through each day in survival mode. You may be ticking boxes off the list as quickly as possible just to get to the next problem that needs solving. This crazy mentality might be so automatic that even if you make time for yourself, it won’t slow down. Maybe you’re just doing the ritual to get it done. You must make it your mission to stop doing this.
Once you engage in your chosen form of self-care, take a moment to pause. To breathe. Notice how it feels. For example, if you only have time to shower, don’t think about what you need to do next. Instead of this, Notice how the water feels on your back. You’re giving yourself this time, so be present with it. Dive in and enjoy.
9. Be kind to yourself when you take care of yourself
Look, sometimes the other things get loud. You’ve been dying to meditate, but your stove has shorted out and your “you” time has turned into a phone call to your landlord. It’s not your fault, so take it easy. The same Theory applies if you just don’t feel like it. You know it’s going to feel good to make that smoothie, but you don’t have the energy to throw it all in the blender and push the button. No judgment – I’ve been there. Think of it this way: when you decide to rest, you know what? That too is self-care. Boom.
10. Bring gratitude into your day
Speaking of quick hitting exercises with a big impact, have you heard of gratitude? Of course you have. But did you know that focusing on your gratitude for just 30 seconds has the power to permanently rewire your brain? It does! Do you know what this means? When you go through a phase where you no longer have energy for self-care, gratitude can take its place. Gratitude as a feeling has an almost immediate effect on your nervous system. It centers, grounds and connects you to what really matters: your values.
Allow yourself to be thankful for the little moments in your day that make you shine: the barista complimenting your bangs, a stranger holding a door open, or the simple beauty of a late summer sunset. This can give you enough energy to get through the rest of the day unscathed.
11. Trust yourself at the end of the day
When you are underwater it is difficult to see the horizon. But I promise you: Nothing lasts forever. Life becomes calm again. You get more time back. And in the meantime, you’ll get through this. You know what I tell myself at the end of every day? “You do it.” Because while that mail has been sitting in its sad pile for days, I’ve been doing literally everything else to make sure the bills are paid, the mouths are fed, the work gets done, friendships are nurtured, and the fires are out. I do it. You are too. With or without self-care, you can do it. Allow yourself to be proud of that, period. And when you’re ready to invite more feel-good practices into your life, trust that you will.
