How To Overcome Disorganized Attachment Style In Relationships
Although attachment theory was technically coined by John Bowlby in the early 20th century, everyone knows that it was Katy Perry who invented disorganized attachment in 2008 when she sang, “You’re hot then you’re cold / You’re yes then.” if you’re no / you’re in, then you’re out / you’re up, then you’re down.” Girlie hit the nail on the head with that. If, like the person Ms. Perry sang for in this classic hit, you’ve ever been accused by a partner of being hot and cold or sending mixed signals, it’s possible that you have a disorganized attachment style. What you may not know is that your disorganized attachment doesn’t have to hold you back in your relationships — and there are ways to overcome them.
Christene Lozano, board-certified sex therapist and founder of Meraki Counseling, characterizes disorganized attachment as somewhat messy or “consistently inconsistent” in relationships (especially romantic ones). It’s a hybrid of two other attachment styles – fearful and avoidant – and is considered the rarest of the four attachment types.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, chances are you often feel like you don’t know what you want in a relationship, says Lozano. Perhaps your partnerships tend to have a will-they-won’t-they quality about them. And there’s usually a lot going on beneath the surface that your partner might not even see. Her inner monologue might be so back and forth that it’s hard for her to decipher—and maybe even hard for you to decipher yourself.
In summary, Lozano says that disorganized attachments often boil down to, “I want you to be close. You’re too close now.” You may be craving intimacy deep down, but something tells you that pushing it away is safer.
While Lozano says attachment styles are typically fluid rather than static — for example, you may have more secure attachments with certain partners than others — if a disorganized attachment is struggling to maintain your relationships, it may be time to do so Learn some techniques that can help you control, if not completely overcome, these instincts. The first and most important step? Understand where in your personal history your disorganized attachment took root. Not only will this answer questions for your partner(s), it will also allow you to develop some empathy for yourself – something everyone needs, regardless of their attachments.
Where did my disorganized attachment come from?
Relationship therapists and researchers agree: when you are very young, you take cues from your parents or caregivers on how to structure your adult relationships. Your primary attachment style will likely reflect the relationships you had with your caregivers and the relationships you had with others throughout your childhood. Seattle-based Certified Relationship, Intimacy, and Sex Therapist Claudia Johnson provides an example of how a parent might respond to their child scraping their knee and the long-term impact it can have on a child’s attachment development. When a parent places a band-aid on their child’s knee, it is a lesson in secure attachment for the child who knows they can count on their parents to protect them and make them feel loved.
Disorganized attachments can be created by a parent who is sometimes reliable and sometimes not. If a parent is loving and caring just sometimes, “the kid doesn’t know how to deal with it,” Johnson says.
Children raised by parents, who can be a little hot and cold themselves, develop strategies to self-soothe, she explains, and learn to be independent, even if they still yearn for a deeper level of nurturing. When these children grow up and are shown intimacy by a partner, “they don’t have a clear understanding of how to respond to it,” she says. Enter: the chaotic inner monologue of the disorganized attachment style.
So yes, your parents and caregivers have a huge impact on the relationships you will form as an adult. But your current attachment style is also influenced by previous partners and romantic experiences, Lozano says. In order to overcome your disorganized attachment, it is important to register whether you have hot or cold feelings now actually relate to what is in front of you and do not reflect one past experience or partners.
“How much does that ‘baggage’ bleed into your relationship?” asks Lozano. “Are you taking things out on your partner that actually stem from a previous relationship and aren’t rooted in things that happened between the two of you?”
Your attachment style is likely influenced by past trauma—big or small.
Any betrayal by a trusted loved one — whether it was a very serious injury or something less serious — will affect your attachment style, says Lozano.
Physical, sexual, or emotional relationship trauma alters people’s trust. Bonding and trust, she says, “often go hand in hand.”
“Trauma can cause a rupture in a secure attachment,” adds Lozano. “Not every person who has a disorganized attachment has to have a history of trauma. But someone with a history of trauma would greatly influence their attachment style.” Being aware of one’s trauma history is a crucial step in overcoming a disorganized attachment style.
A disorganized attachment can take a toll on your partner.
Ultimately, disorganized attachment can lead to confusion and frustration in relationships—for you and your partner. When you are perceived as chronically sending out mixed messages, it makes true intimacy almost impossible. “It might be difficult for people to connect with someone who has a disorganized attachment because of this back-and-forth,” says Lozano.
Other possible consequences of disorganized attachment include a pattern of infidelity or secrecy from a partner to maintain emotional distance, Lozano says. Because someone with a disorganized attachment style may misinterpret abuse or neglect as love, toxic or conflicted relationships can also be regular experiences for someone with this type of attachment style.
How can I heal my disorganized attachment?
While it’s always helpful to have a compassionate, understanding partner who can help you peel off the layers of your past, Lozano emphasizes that you don’t have to be in a partnership with someone else to address or heal your attachment styles.
“Bring it back to itself,” Johnson recommends. What do you notice about the way you have interacted with previous partners? How have you shown yourself in those past relationships when you were your most authentic and vulnerable self? And how did that other person show up to you in those cases? The answer to these questions will shed much light on how you might behave with partners now.
For anyone trying to overcome an attachment style, Lozano says the first thing to do is analyze your discomfort, fear, or anxiety — and your reactions to it. Even people who are committed have awkward moments in their relationships. The difference between them and a person with disorganized attachment is that the person with secure attachment will not push their partner away every time the going gets tough. They will address their feelings with their partner and work together to overcome them.
This process of emotional digging is part of what Lozano calls “reality testing” — and she warns that the presence of trauma will likely make reality testing a little more challenging, but potentially more rewarding. “When you have a history of trauma, the way you perceive people who relate to you can be really skewed,” says Lozano. “People with trauma stories can [find] that it’s hard to trust yourself.” Recruiting a therapist or trusted friend or family member could help bring clarity and rebuild that trust in yourself, she says.
As you delve deeper into your feelings, you may find that your very real fear is not rooted in the present but is connected to something from your past. Maybe it’s related to something your last two partners did. Maybe it’s influenced by something you saw your grandpa do to your grandma when you were growing up.
“It’s really about getting curious, because we all come into relationship with previous history and ‘baggage,'” says Lozano. “This is of course.”
Whatever it is, identifying the origin of your fear of intimacy is the first step in overcoming your disorganized attachment — aided by plenty of curiosity about your own emotions, memories, and approach to relationships. With the help of a partner, close friend, or therapist, or just on your own, you can learn to identify your relationship triggers and build your ability to communicate about them long before they get in the way of the love you deserve.
Experts:
Christene Lozano, Certified Sex Therapist and Founder of Meraki Counseling
Claudia Johnson, Certified Relationship, Intimacy, and Sex Therapist