Hello aspiring minimalists, and welcome to today’s episode of Cut the Crap! – the podcast designed to help you focus on what matters most.
Quick question: Do you feel overwhelmed in life and overwhelmed with clutter? Don’t worry! Just follow this elegant, life-saving rule, which consists of eleven sub-rules.
80% Your physical possessions add nothing to your happiness. Do you own twenty shirts? Wow, that’s so many. How many do you really need? Actually only four, because according to neuroscience, the brain can only process twice as many shirts as there are nipples. Go ahead, throw away those excess shirts. I’ll wait.
Do you hesitate and cling to your abundance of shirts? Here’s the thing. . .
20% Your emotional ties hurt you. The desire to hoard clothes is a toxic emotion that will turn your bedroom into a confusing heap of junk. Other toxic emotions are FOMO, rumination and sympathy for sharks (trash of nature). The repair? Inventory your attachments, count them and cut off a fifth. Come on!
Now you might say, “But I love my shirts! I don’t own too many! I only rent two lockers! Sharks are nice fish! It’s all good!” Trust me, I’ve said all of this before. I was so deluded. This brings up sub-rule three…
Only 17% what you say is interesting or worthwhile. The other 83% are capital “B” Boring and burdening you. Minimalists only say great things – nothing else. Remember to be precise, helpful, and fascinating with your words and never utter anything boring or superfluous, while at the same time be open, playful, and whimsical, but never in a way that makes people say, “You are it’s also quirky and weird, and it’s super annoying.” It’s the Ryan Gosling rule: be the cool, quirky, grounded, vulnerable, strong, expressive, quiet guy.
Do that and you will make some unbelievable Friends. But don’t make too many. After all . . .
Just 30% Your relationships actually serve you. want proof Share this podcast with everyone you know. Most people won’t answer, which is pretty passive-aggressive if you ask me. It’s time to seriously end some friendships. Here’s how. . .
That 5 Friends who can help you through shark encounters – based on swimming, fighting, and CPR skills – are the only friends you need. Your other friends should be relegated to casual coffee lovers and removed from your inner circle of close-knit stalkers who light bonfires and gather mushrooms together. The same goes for aunts and uncles. Most of them are pointless. Remember . . .
1 Your uncle is Top Dawg and you should keep a small photo of him on your fridge in a popsicle stick frame that says “BEST UNCLE!“The other uncles are stupid. Eliminate them. Note: The uncle who invited you to this “fun” dive trip to Florida is not a good man. Here’s why. . .
17% of all shark attacks on humans occur in Florida, even though the state is currently . . .
0.29% the world population. If you want a simple life with fewer reconstructive surgeries, you have to rule out Florida and the toxic uncles who support it. Write that down.
Well, this is where many would-be minimalists stumble. They think they’ll just drive to Florida with their crazy uncle Ray Ray, party with his biker gang, do hallucinogenic drugs, drive a Hertz-rented Subaru to the beach, set it on fire, publicly proclaim themselves the Beach Master, Lord of Surf and sand, and then dive into shark-infested waters under a full moon. Here’s the problem. . .
0% the sharks are safe. Trust me, I learned it the hard way: a long hospital stay in the shark bite ward and an annoying disorder where the topic of “jaws” kept popping up in my head. Do you think the influx of bandages, surgeons and physical therapists has made my life easier? It has not. It’s really anti-minimalist. And when you wake up in the hospital with a huge bloody bite in your torso, you’re going to be really thirsty and overheated. That’s why . . .
6% Your daily fluid needs should be met by sucking on ice cubes. Easy. Effective. transformative. Poetic. ketogenic. life changing. minimalism!
And that’s it. By the way, I hope you don’t really intend to do what I just said. That would be totally insane. Instead of this . . .
take the best 66% what I’ve told you today and ignore the rest. That’s called reducing mental clutter. Don’t ignore the Florida stuff though. This place is a shark infested hell hole. ♦