LOS ANGELES — Former Blink 182 member Matt Skiba frantically searched for “How to Play the Drums” after it was revealed that Travis Barker’s hand surgery would delay the South American portion of her tour, sources confirmed, who wish he would go ahead .
“I know what everyone’s thinking and yes, you’d think after 20+ years in two high profile punk bands I’d learn a little bit about drumming. But that doesn’t matter because I have about two weeks to learn the difference between a 4/4 and a 4/8 time signature or whatever Travis plays. Right now I just need to find the shortest tutorials with the least amount of ads,” Skiba said. “I would hate to see a Chilean Blink fan disappointed, plus I’m pretty sure a kick drum might be like a guitar pedal. If I get a kit from Guitar Center now, I can probably get it back in time for a Zoom practice session with Mark and Tom.”
Travis Barker assured fans and potential substitutes that the tour would resume once he recovered from surgery.
“Nobody was looking forward to this tour more than me but it’s just a minor operation so who’s been calling me all morning from an anonymous number asking how realistic ‘Whiplash’ is and if it’s easy for the Aquabats to close drum, can knock fuck off,” Barker said. “I will make a full recovery, and I will also hire a food taster to test all my meals for poison before I eat anything. No one will replace me, no one can replace me, anyone who tries will be destroyed.”
Blink 182’s tour manager eventually made the decision to reschedule the dates to maintain the integrity of the core cast despite offers from several potential stand-ins.
“We’ve built the hype around the return of the Tom, Mark and Travis show, and I’ll be damned if I’ll hire a temporary drummer if we’re charging $200 a ticket for nosebleed seats. I know Skiba tried to contact us, along with the guys from Angels and Airwaves. We’re not moving,” said band manager Chris Georggin. “Matt was a great addition to the band when Tom left to hunt UFOs, but if he can’t get drum signatures implanted by Google on his hiatus and then marry a Kardashian in the next 10 days, he can sit those out.”
As of press time, the band admitted they had approached original drummer Scott Raynor to fill in for Barker, however Raynor declined as he was too busy beating up loitering teenagers as a member of the San Diego Police Department.
