- In this week’s Agony Aunt column, Jane Green shares some wisdom with a woman whose husband can’t wait for her best friend to join their marriage
- She also reaches out to a 54-year-old leftist humiliated by menopausal symptoms
- Have a question for Jane? Email [email protected] or inquire below
dear Jane,
I’ve been married fifteen years and I thought we were very happy. My husband has always had a threesome fantasy, bringing another woman into our sex life, and while we didn’t do it, I’ll admit I was a little curious when I was younger, although we never acted on it .
Over the last few years I’ve become less and less interested in sex and we’ve talked about how to brighten up our sex life (although to be honest, I’d rather go to bed with a cup of tea and a good book).
Now he’s suggested we include my best friend in our sex life and talked about becoming a throuple. He won’t drop it.
She’s been my best friend since high school, divorced and dating. She’s always been very sexually adventurous and he thinks she’s the perfect person, but I think our friendship could blow up. What should I do?
Out of, Worried three are a crowd
Dear concerned,
There are two distinct themes here – one where you talk about a threesome or adding a third person into your sex life (swinging), and one where you mention your man wants a throuple that welcomes someone else into you romantic life for a steady, consensual, non-monogamous relationship (polyamory).
Your husband may be getting his terms mixed up because the two things are very different, and given your mention of sex and your lack of interest, it sounds like he wants A) sex, C) exciting sex, and C) to have a to fulfill fantasy. Although I would argue that once he has A and B he might not be as fixated on C.
I suspect he wants exciting sex rather than bringing another woman into your marriage on a much more permanent basis.
You mention that you were curious about a threesome and this may enlighten you again. It’s a very difficult thing how our sexuality changes as we age and while I totally understand the desire to go to bed with a cup of tea and a good book, sex is an important part of marriage, especially for men, who tend to behave sex very differently.
In women, it is often linked to our emotions and arises from a sense of connectedness, but in men, sex usually comes first. As psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel put it, “Women want to talk first, connect first, and have sex second. For men, sex is the connection.”
While I think it’s important to look at your sex life, there are many dimensions to marriage, and many people have discovered how to have great, rich, and rewarding marriages without a lot of sex.
However, it helps that whatever you choose, you’re both on the same page. The fact that you were once curious about threesomes means you were once curious about sex too. Focusing more on your sex life and what it takes for you (not your husband, but YOU) to feel more sexual may be enough to enlighten you and, in turn, your sex life with your husband.
An active sex life and a woman interested in sex can put the desire for a threesome on hold.
Either way, unless you are looking for a new best friend and possibly a new husband, DO NOT bring your best friend into your sex life as a third party.
dear Jane,
I just turned 54 and my doctor did a recent exam and found that I’m officially postmenopausal. I’ve been pretty lucky and only had a few hot flashes and night sweats over the years.
However lately I have been having discomfort and pain between my legs especially when I go to the toilet and I don’t know why. If you read online people say it could be a symptom of menopause? Do you have any advice?
I would prefer not to speak to the doctor if possible, I’m too embarrassed!
From, shy
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Dear Bashful,
How I wish we were better prepared for menopause and the many changes it brings. We all know the hot flashes, night sweats, and irritability (especially my husband), but nobody prepares us for the vaginal changes.
There are a variety of changes that occur in the vagina due to decreased estrogen, including vaginal atrophy – thinning, drying, and inflammation of the vaginal walls. There’s also painful bladder syndrome, which can cause discomfort, painful sex, pain in general, and often symptoms that feel like a UTI (urinary tract infection), including painful urination.
I wish we all knew what to prepare for and I wish you weren’t ashamed.
What you are experiencing is enormously common. I struggled with all of the above throughout menopause as did most of my friends and we were all as unprepared and shocked as you.
But you must see a doctor as there are a variety of solutions available, from estrogen rings to hormones to topical creams.
If you’re not happy with your doctor, you may find a urogynecologist to talk to – they specialize in these very conditions, and many are female.
I can’t tell you not to be ashamed, but I can tell you that everything a urologist or urogynecologist does all day is looking at vaginas. It’s like looking at a tree.
