What Is Grooming? 7 Signs of Grooming and How to Spot It

• Grooming is the process of normalizing inappropriate behavior between minors and adults.
• When an adult tells you to keep secrets or starts giving you gifts out of nowhere, it can be a red flag.
• It’s also not normal for an adult to want to spend a lot of time alone with you or want to offer you alcohol.

If you’re a minor and encounter unusual adult behavior — like love bombing or asking to spend a lot alone, you could be a victim of grooming.

“Grooming is a set of actions an adult takes to exert improper control and power over a vulnerable person, such as a child, in a subtle or overt way,” says Kyle Zrenchik, a licensed family and marriage therapist and co-owner of All In Therapy Clinic .

Adult nurtures to slowly normalize an abnormal relationship by leading the young person to believe that they are safe and trustworthy and that the nature of the relationship is normal—when in reality it is anything but.

“The ultimate goal of grooming is abuse,” says Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist in private practice. This means a groomer can engage in sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Or they might even coerce their victim into violent or illegal acts, Wright says.

Here are seven grooming signs to look out for.

1. They show a quick, significant interest in you and your life

Sure, it’s nice when someone cares about what’s going on in your life. However, it can be alarming when it is excessive or comes out of nowhere.

Wright says the following behaviors could indicate grooming:

• They are constantly texting or trying to contact you
• Make promises quickly
• Giving you presents out of nothing

Carers work very hard to befriend their victims and earn their trust, says Wright. By being very interested in you and sneaking into your life, they are ultimately manipulating you and will probably eventually start demanding something in return.

2. They tell you to keep secrets

If someone shares confidential information with you or engages in certain behaviors with you and tells you to keep it secret, it could be an indication of grooming, says Zrenchik.

Zrenchik says a few examples of this might look like a dog groomer’s saying:

• “Don’t tell your mother, but I think she’s really hard on you. You’re a better kid than that and you really deserve someone who realizes how special and amazing you are… but don’t tell her I said that.”
• “Don’t tell anyone I rubbed your back. We’re just friends – other people wouldn’t understand. So don’t tell them because they wouldn’t understand.”

3. They discuss inappropriate adult topics with you

Groomers may bring up unnecessary and inappropriate topics when talking to you. Zrenchik says they could try to discuss:

• your intimate relationships
• Your wedding
• sex

Or they address issues that seem a little more harmless, like problems at work or with friends, Zrenchik. But the problem lies in how much they rely on emotional support or comfort.

For example, they might try to call you excessively, yell at you, or ask for lots of hugs. You shouldn’t be responsible for attending to an adult’s emotional needs, and when an adult makes you feel that way, it’s a big red flag.

“An adult should comfort a child – not the other way around,” says Zrenchik.

4. They try to meet your needs

When someone makes an effort to spend time with you and listen to you, it can certainly feel flattering, but ultimately it’s a groomer’s manipulation tactic, says Zrenchik.

Wright says if you tell an adult that you’re struggling with something or that you don’t have anyone else to talk to, they will take the opportunity to get closer to you. You might even go overboard with showing yourself as your confidant.

“This person will readily make themselves available to hear all the details so that you can confide in them. You receive information, you become attached to it. It’s a win-win situation … until it’s not anymore,” says Wright.

Ultimately, it’s about getting you to rely on them for comfort: “If you rely on and trust that person, you end up feeling brainwashed, doing things you don’t normally do would, and feel close to that person who manipulated you.” Wright says.

5. They try to spend time alone with you

It’s common for groomers to try to get their victims alone so they can do and say things they couldn’t in the presence of other adults, Zrenchik says. In addition, they have the ability to sense it and read how you respond to this behavior, testing the waters, so to speak.

The groomer may suggest this alone time in ways that seem harmless, such as asking for help around the house or saying they have an extra ticket to an event and no one to go with, Zrenchik says.

It’s easy that the line is blurred here. A 2014 review says some of this behavior — for example, a well-meaning mentor who takes time to help you with an extracurricular interest — isn’t harmful. But the review notes that keepers can use this to their advantage, making the scenario appear “normal” when it isn’t.

But if someone is always trying to get you alone and insists that your parents or other adults don’t have to be around, isolating you can be a way to go.

“Abusers don’t want anyone to find out what they’re doing. The less other people in the person who has their foster life know about them, the better. Isolation is about control,” says Wright.

6. They give you drugs or alcohol

If an adult administers drugs or alcohol to you, it’s a dangerous sign, Zrenchik says. According to a 2022 study, dog groomers use substances as a “tool” to encourage abuse. This is because mind-altering substances can lower the victim’s inhibitions or ability to consent.

Additionally, this may be another attempt by the groomer to make the victim feel special or even more adult, setting the stage for further abuse.

7. You are sensitive

While sexual touching is a more obvious sign of nurturing or abuse, an adult can also engage in inappropriate touching by massaging or tickling you, Zrenchik says.

It’s common for caregivers to start with “innocent” touches to desensitize you to them so they can move on to more intense, inappropriate touches later.

Additionally, according to the same 2014 report, it’s not unlikely that dog groomers will claim their inappropriate touches were accidental.

Insider snack

Grooming is dangerous — however, due to its often subtle nature, it’s not always easy to spot when you’re a victim. Watch out for signs like attempts to spend time alone, talking to adults, or inappropriate touching. Trust your gut when you think something is wrong.

If you are a minor and believe an adult is caring for you, it is imperative to distance yourself from the carer and tell a trusted adult, such as a parent or school counselor, to prevent further abuse and stay safe.