My best friend just totally dumped me and I have no idea why.
Dear Lisa: I can’t believe I’m writing to you but I’m completely lost. My best friend just totally dumped me and I have no idea why. We’ve been together literally every day for the last five years, walking my dog, going for coffee, hanging out. We both work from home, so we often just shared space and worked.
We talked on the phone several times a day when we weren’t actually together, and we never ran out of things to talk about. We were each other’s person during the pandemic.
When we met I was single and she had a boyfriend. They got engaged but called it quits during COVID. We are both single right now, although she recently met someone online. We were both out of town for the winter break, so we didn’t speak to each other for about two weeks. I didn’t think anything of it because I was abroad to visit my family and she was on vacation with her entire extended family.
We got back into town and I called her right away. Leave a message. Texted that I’ll be back. I haven’t heard from her. I called and texted the next day. Nothing. And again the next day. I was starting to worry. The next day I went to her house, saw that she was back from vacation, but she wasn’t home. I left a note.
It’s been two months and she just disappeared from my life. She refuses to see me, to speak to me, and only makes ghosts on me.
What can I do?
Lost my BFF
You must be devastated. I’m sorry. After five years of such a close friendship, you must have some friends in common. Did you contact her? Maybe they can give you some insight: maybe she left you, too, or talked openly about why she doesn’t talk to you anymore.
I would also suggest writing her a letter. No SMS or email, but a real letter. Pass it by with something you know she loves like flowers or coffee or whatever. Tell her that you have no idea why she broke up with your friendship, that you are hurt, and that you would really like to know what that was, but that you’re sorry if it’s because you upset her have no matter what.
Get everything off the chest. If nothing else, you know you did everything you could.
RETURN MESSAGE regarding the child being bullied at school (February 10):
reader – “The question asked was ‘How can I help my son deal with the situation?’ Their response to speaking to parents or the school administration is hardly appropriate. The writer’s son must learn to assert himself. Throughout our lives we encounter people who ask us to do things that we don’t want to do or that are inappropriate. This case presents a real learning opportunity: the son could ask the bullying boy why he needs to have him in his plans. They should provide ways to politely say ‘no’ and defuse any challenges.”
Lisa – I agree with you that children need to learn to take care of themselves. The parent who wrote the letter said, “The problem arises when he (the son) says no.” So he’s learned to assert himself. The problem was dealing with the aftermath of his assertion. Most schools have zero tolerance for bullying, so both the child’s parents and the school administration had to be made aware of it.
RETURN MESSAGE regarding the person who felt too lonely (Feb. 13):
reader – “I think people need to be constantly reminded that ‘it’s okay not to be okay.’
“Accept that when a person is going through the stress and uncertainty of a divorce, people make mistakes. The challenge is to see these mistakes in a positive light. It’s way too easy to feel worthless and stupid.
“The positive thing about ‘Too Lonely’ is that she realized that this guy wasn’t right for her and walked out of the relationship. And she should remember that this guy found her attractive and interesting enough to want to live together.
“We have to learn to take one day at a time. We are all human and unfortunately we can and do make mistakes.”
Lisa – Yes, we are programmed not to allow ourselves to accept when we are not doing well. But as you say, it’s okay NOT to be okay.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columns for the star and live in Toronto. Email your relationship questions to: [email protected] or [email protected]
