Welcome to Blah-gust, the worst time of the sporting calendar

Take note: Wednesday, August 10, 9:35 am. We have reached the peak (low point?) of the slow sports season. You know it’s the doggiest of all dog days that ESPN kills time covering the Little League World Series. No disrespect to youth, but I will not submit to watching children’s athletics unless fatherly – or uncle – commitments require it.

However you get your sports news (thanks for reading Deadspin, by the way), the feed is bleak. Today I woke up and read that “NBA teams monitor Nico Mannion.“Monitoring for what, smallpox? Oh, getting back in the league. I didn’t even know he was playing abroad.

In other NBA news, Ben Simmons responded to reports that he left the Nets group chat after teammates asked him if he would make the playoffs, they tweeted, “😂 Slow news day.” He also retweeted a clip Shams Charania defends him on the Pat McAfee showAs much as he wants to ignore it and go back to modeling designer clothes on the bench or shooting undisputed jumpers in the local Y-League game, he felt compelled enough to react.

Simmons hasn’t seen game action in over a season, and by the time he does, he should be on the Lifetime 86 list. I’m not sure if all kitchens do this, or just fancy hotels serving inappropriate customers, but one place I used to work at has discarded certain dishes for good—and added them to the 86 lifetime list that’s in Chef’s office hung — because a customer would see another restaurant eating risotto, order it even though it’s not on the menu, and suddenly a line chef spends the whole shift stirring friggin’ risotto.

Cooking risotto is extremely monotonous and time-consuming, which is how I would describe writing a Ben Simmons article or pre-season breakdown of a team. There is only so much speculation and stats from past seasons that I can offer before my limbs go numb with boredom.

If I read (or write) another NFL training camp story, I’ll be sucking my eyeballs out of their sockets with a handheld vacuum. (Side note: Editors, I may have to dictate you my next play. I hope you’re ready for a six-part about the rise and fall of Carson Wentz.) (Editor’s note: You’re on your own!)

Fox News ran an article about how the NFL and ESPN extracted “God and Jesus” from the pull quotes in their retweets of Trevon Diggs’ son speaking at the Cowboys’ camp, though both outlets shared the video in its entirety. For the record, he was extremely cute, and that should have been the angle.

The feigned outrage was so outrageous that I almost incited a false anger myself, but decided against it because I love God and Jesus too. (Joke, I’m joking… Unless you’re reading this, Dad. In which case, yes, I was thinking about going to church on Sundays. However, when I woke up, I decided I wasn’t going to waste an hour on my freelance Day.)

The craziest thing about all of this is that I shouldn’t even be here. No, not at work. I meant like here, like the dregs of sports journalism in August. We should all enjoy the World Cup and enjoy the beautiful game. Drying up of bloggers’ content sources may be low on the list of why Qatar shouldn’t have the World Cup, but it’s still a reason. Thank you FIFA. The scorching hot host country has pushed the start of the tournament forward… by a day, the New York Times did.

THIS IS NOT AGGREGABLE ENOUGH! I NEED MORE JUICE!

Thank goodness the Premier League started last weekend otherwise I’d have to find another way to talk Fuck the Yankees. I’ll probably have to do that anyway, but both my doctor and therapist have said that I need to ration my negativity or risk my ears bleeding.

If ever there was an opportune moment to announce your retirement, this is the week. Until football starts, I’m voting that we either watch old Serena Williams tournaments on a loop or go outside and try to find other surfaces to fry eggs on. Either is better than scraping crusted remnants of NFL history off the bottom of the burnt pot.

anyone. how is your summer