How to avoid feeling guilty when excluding a golf buddy
Don’t let guilt ruin a memorable round.
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Scott L. from New Jersey writes:
I play golf with four of my good friends. Recently one of our guys got a sweet invite to a prestigious private club. The catch is that the invite is for three players, meaning one of our posse can’t participate. The guy who got the invite is torn about how to handle the situation. Should he alert the guy who’s being left out, or keep him in the dark and hope he doesn’t find out?
Dear Scott:
The dilemma you describe is what we ethicists view as a Gulf version of a lifeboat scenario. There is a group of survivors floating in the ocean, but limited space on the dinghy. It’s sink or swim. For the sake of the many, someone must drown.
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Josh Sens
Except in your case not exactly.
You make it sound like your friend who got the invite has only two choices: break bad news to a guy in your group, or hide that bad news from him. When you design it like this, it’s no wonder your friend feels torn with the invitation.
Option 1 means telling a member of your quartet that he is the George Costanza of your contingent, the loser who deserves the short end of the stick. You may not all feel that way, but let’s be realistic. That’s how it will come across. Which makes option 1 an awkward choice.
Not that option 2 would be any better. This alternative is to lie to (or actively hide the truth from) a friend, which is not advisable. We’ve all seen that sitcom episode. We know how it ends.
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Josh Sens
The good news is there is a third way, and it’s easy.
Your friend with the invitation should let everyone know about the situation. There are four of you, but only three of you can play. At this point, you should pull all straws. Or choose numbers. Or be put off. Or go through another fair selection process. It does not matter. As long as everyone feels they have a fighting chance.
The underdog will be disappointed. But provided he’s a functional adult worthy of your friendship, he’ll understand. He has no right to feel lied to or offended. On the other hand, if he threw a tantrum, he at least helped clear things up. Then you know that he really is the Costanza of your group.
