How to avoid looking like a first year

The dust has settled; You formed your indestructible Jump Start circle of friends, left engineering, and came out as bisexual. How do you signal to friends, peers, and complete strangers that you’re not the same person you were three weeks ago?

Here’s a quick cheat sheet about the little things you can do to confirm that you’re not like other first graders.

Take off your lanyard

When the high school goblins run around and peer into the faces of the 26 class, the first thing they can do to identify you as a first year is by seeing if you’re wearing that teal UBC case lanyard or not.

Solution 1: Take off the lanyard.

Solution 2: Transform yourself into a Residence Life Manager, the only person with a job who would wear a lanyard. To do that, you have to turn 30 and say, “No skateboarding in the hallway!”

Don’t sweat the shirt

I know you want to show everyone you escaped Winnipeg, but consider spending $70 on something more useful than that classic UBC crew neck, like a haircut or 70 Hilroy notebooks.

No notes

Sure, plenty of students have discovered the joys of Notion or Evernote or whatever, but any fifth-year bastard will tell you that all you need to take notes is a dog-eared bundle of disjointed loose sheets of paper, a pen, the You stole from a bank and a dream .

Talking shit about your hometown

I know you want everyone to know you got away from Winnipeg, but by the end of your first year you’ve made a list of your hometown’s dubious qualities and even deluded yourself that it was better than Vancouver just for the shit-eating grin of Repel people who grew up near Toronto.

Eat insect protein

LFS first graders know this instinctively, but as you pursue your arts or science major you’ll come to realize how doomed the world at large is and that you’d better get used to more sustainable forms of protein. So grab some chopsticks and hit the road!

Using the name of the old ruler*

We can’t call him what we used to, so, like any ex, we have to stay grown up and only stick to nicknames, like “old fly,” “that traitor,” or “Mitch.” Non-first years understand the pain of his departure and you should too!

*Obviously monarchism is sticky at all levels of the student body.

Make your own coffee

For the first year, you’ll have easy access to steeped filter coffee in the dining rooms, but consider pouring your efforts into much more time-consuming forms of coffee art, like the French press or cold brew. A 2013 repeat of this article may have warned you against consuming “mochachinowhatsits,” but these are no longer the symbol of naivety they once were.

Don’t mention that you were in high school graduation

Or student president or whatever, because some fool will turn around in front of you and say, “Hey, me too!” triggering a chorus of “Me too”s all over the Main Mall. I know you want everyone to know that you were the best guy in Winnipeg, but save yourself the trouble of having to interact with the best man in Edmonton.

Store your guitar in its case

Yes, you can play Wonderwall or Blackbird, but can you shut up? The gentle twang of the strings above the quad is an important part of the college experience, but maybe you just exercise self-control every now and then just to see if it’s possible.

The most important thing to remember is that first year is not just a mindset; it is a disease. So cold brew and get well soon, sweaty!

The Dingbat is The Ubyssethe humor department. Submit pitches or finished pieces [email protected].