How to figure out if you want to go to college, get married, buy a home

Berrak Sarikaya always knew she wanted to be a lawyer. In high school, she threw herself into mock trials and debates. As the eldest child of Turkish immigrants, Sarikaya understood the seriousness of getting into a good college and the need for scholarships to fund that education. “One of the main reasons we came to the US was because my brother and I would get a good education and have better opportunities,” says Sarikaya, 37. “So there was definitely this pressure when I’m not going to college, then it would all have been a waste.”

When it came time for higher education, Sarikaya’s hard work paid off. She enrolled in her dream school, George Washington University, and lived at home. Her freshman year was pleasant, she says, but grueling, with full days of classes, studying, homework, and working at a grocery store and a bank. By her sophomore year, however, the shine had worn off. Her classes were not challenging and she did not feel fulfilled from the coursework. Also, tuition fees skyrocketed, and her parents took out loans to supplement her scholarship.

At this point, Sarikaya was working in law firms and she felt the experience gave her more reality-based training than sitting in a classroom. Although college was what her family and society “expected” of her, an achievement that many young Americans also feel pressured to do, Sarikaya dropped out of college.

“You often had to overcome or move away from people’s expectations,” says Sarikaya.

Among life’s many chapters and milestones, Americans view some events — such as college, marriage, home ownership, raising children, and career success — as achievements that must be accomplished in order to maintain the status quo. Because so many follow these “traditional” paths, both in real life and in Western popular culture, we learn from an early age to mimic and emulate these behaviors. Family and cultural traditions can dictate what is expected of us throughout life, especially for women, which can create anxiety when these standards are not met. When people are rewarded and celebrated for graduating from college or getting married, we internalize those events as desirable. For example, people may feel pressured to conform to an assumed form or fear alienation if they defy convention.

“What researchers have found is that people adjust their behavior to match those around us, primarily to gain acceptance,” says Daryl Van Tongeren, associate professor of psychology at Hope College. “We often do what others do because we want to belong, we want to be accepted, we want to be liked.”

When culture provides limited roadmaps for the future, these life events can seem non-negotiable. Outside pressures from family, friends, and the media further muddy the waters and may create an emotional conundrum when it comes to determining what you really want for the future. Through time and reflection, you can use your values ​​and motivations as a guide to living fully authentically.

Life on autopilot

A lot of people don’t think about what they really want out of life, says Van Tongeren. They consume media and watch loved ones move through the world ticking familiar boxes, “and usually we try to dutifully follow those scripts,” he says. When life is full of “shoulds” – you should Going to college, getting married, buying a nice house, having children, being a boss, etc. – there is very little room for improvisation. Because so many of these milestones are tied to wealth, those who can’t afford college tuition or a mortgage may feel they lack an accurate model for approaching life.

But it’s only when you stray, intentionally or accidentally, that you consider whether the path you’ve trodden is the right one for you. Realizing that college wasn’t everything she hoped for, Sarikaya took more risks in her career, moving from law positions to jobs in communications and government affairs, eventually embarking on her own path as an independent Content Marketing Strategy Consultant. (She holds on to her dream of going to law school.) “Sometimes there are those tipping points where we can evaluate our behavior in relation to what society is telling us,” says Van Tongeren. “It’s at moments like this that we try to gain clarity about whether or not we’re living an authentic life.”

look inside

To recognize the events and activities that give meaning to your life, you need to get to the bottom of your motivations. Perhaps unsurprisingly, people feel more competent, more connected, and more independent when they are intrinsically motivated — that is, internally or self-motivated. When parents, friends, or other outside forces pressure you to pursue a career in medicine, for example, when you really want to work in fashion—which is called extrinsic motivation—you may feel stressed and afraid of missing out what your colleagues are doing. unfulfilled or worried you’ll upset a parent if you stray, says Jeremy Nicholson, a social and personality psychologist.

The things you are intrinsically motivated to do feel the most authentic. However, if you grew up with certain expectations, commitments, and social examples, it can be difficult to know what fulfills you. Nicholson recommends paying attention to your feelings when confronted with important milestones. Are you running away from something or running towards it? Are you afraid of being seen as a failure if you don’t aspire to be the boss at work?

People should think about how empowered, connected, and autonomous they would feel when faced with certain responsibilities like parenthood. “For example, if they believe they would make a good spouse or parent, enjoy being with a particular partner or children, and feel free to make the choice, then the choice would likely be self-determined,” says Nicholson . “On the other hand, if they felt completely unprepared for the role, couldn’t really bond with a spouse or children, and were pressured by other people to make the decision, then maybe they didn’t personally appreciate the milestone at the time reach .”

Another question to ask yourself is why You might want a big house to send your kids to a certain school or to climb the corporate ladder, says licensed marriage and family therapist Mercedes Coffman. “Is it because you want validation from others? Are you going to med school because your parents told you it was a career they would be proud of?” She says. “It only comes from the confirmation of others. That’s not an authentic goal of yours.” That external fulfillment never lasts long, adds Coffman, and you’ll likely be disappointed and look for the next “thing” to earn recognition from. Alternatively, if you have always wanted a home with a large yard to rescue dogs and house your large family for get togethers because you genuinely value animals and your loved ones, your motivations are internally driven.

Remember, your self-worth isn’t measured by the validation and acceptance of others, says therapist Natasha Sharma, the CEO of NKS Therapy. “It’s not about asking the question, ‘What do you want out of life?’ which again sets you up for external measurements and some sort of “measured entity” or “output,” Sharma says. “Ask yourself instead, ‘What do I like about life?'”

Look at your values

Quite simply, “What do I enjoy in life?” is a deceptively difficult question. Since no one enters this world as a fully realized human, it requires some trial and error. Coffman says you should consider what naturally excites you and satisfy those desires. “If you lived on an island and there was no one to please or impress people, what would you want in your life?” she says. “What would you do? What are your natural passions and skills? What excites you naturally?”

Think about the things you value most in life and weigh your choices against those values. For example, if you’re considering taking a higher-paying new job that might look good on paper but would cause you to distance yourself from your community, think about how much you value your autonomy, relationships, and finances. “If people really value autonomy and they really value relationships but maybe value financial freedom a little bit less, then they can choose a job that gives them autonomy and allows them to nurture deep relationships, even if it means they’re less take money?” Van Tongeren says.

Or if you and your partner are wondering if you should get married, you should all think about what shaped your views on marriage. Did your parents fight constantly and you worry that your marriage might be similarly conflicted? You want to get married because all your friends are doing it and you feel left out? Answers to these questions can help you move forward authentically.

This work is difficult and frankly frightening. Few people would willingly engage in a mind exercise that challenges their entire life. However, consider the alternative: continue in a career or relationship that you’re not passionate about because you’ve never considered other options. At any age, it can be insightful to take the time and intention to find out what motivates you and whether you lived authentically. That’s not to say that a lifetime of “traditional” traits of success and happiness aren’t worth it, but some reflection can determine whether these milestones are desirable she.

Correction, September 19, 10 a.m.: An earlier version of this story misrepresented the number of Berrak Sarikaya’s siblings. She has a brother.

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