How to Find Small Moments of Joy in Dark Times

SSometimes the smallest moments of joy are the only ones that feel possible. That’s what Nora McInerny learned in 2014 when, within eight weeks, she lost her 35-year-old husband and father to cancer and their second baby to a miscarriage.

Her husband Aaron was a “naturally energetic person,” says McInerny, the podcast’s host Terrible, thanks for asking and author of the upcoming book Just bad vibes. “He just had this otherworldly ability to find fun and joy in everything,” she says. “I learned from him how important it is to stay as present in the moment as possible, even when the moment sucks. Even when he was literally dying, he could make me laugh.” (Among Aaron’s last words to his wife, “I’ll always be with you… so you gotta stop picking your nose.”)

It was a moment she remembers with ease, ripped out of an unbearable time. In recent years – plagued by political turmoil, social unrest and, well, a real plague – many of us have struggled to escape, even for a brief moment, from sour moods. But experts say that adding a bit of joy to our lives can disproportionately increase our well-being by reducing the risk of chronic diseases, boosting the immune system and fighting stress.

“I think joy sometimes feels like a really big emotion — like crazy happiness,” says McInerny. “But it can be a small point of light in the darkness. It doesn’t have to be a light in the dark.”

Remind me – what is joy again?

Joy is the state of feeling freedom, security and lightness. Unlike some other positive emotions, like compassion and contentment, experiencing joy often depends on preparing for it rather than feeling it spontaneously, says Philip C. Watkins, a professor of psychology at Eastern Washington University who did much of the leading research wrote on the subject of joy.

One of the best ways to usher in joy is to strengthen bonds with friends and family. “Probably the most intense experiences of joy come from relationships,” he says. It’s also important to fill your life with meaningful purpose and purpose, Watkins notes, as is an open mind — and not just for the good stuff. “Anyone who is open to joy must also be open to disappointment,” he says. “Paradoxically, in order to experience joy, there must be a willingness to experience loss and sadness.”

If you’re unsure how to inspire joy, start with some self-reflection, advises Brie Scolaro, a licensed social worker and co-director of New York City-based and LGBTQ-focused Aspire Psychotherapy. First, take stock of what joy means to you and when you last experienced it. Ask yourself: What is getting in the way of your happiness?

Then think back to your most beautiful and happiest moments. When you do this, some of that joyful energy is released (just like you get upset when you think about sad memories). It will also give you a hint on how to achieve more joy in the future.

Next, “make a plan to bridge the gap between what you know brings you joy and what you’re feeling right now,” says Scolaro. What actionable steps can you take today to increase your chances of experiencing joy?

Finally, make sure you are present enough to plunge into joy when it overwhelms you. “Are you listening to your friends talking? Do you taste the beer you drink? You have to be able to register joy,” says Scolaro. “Joy is in the moment. Building the ability to return to the present moment – like through meditation – is the best way I can think of to be present with joy.”

Here are a few ways to achieve small moments of joy in dark times.

Make a joy bucket list

Detroit-based life coach, speaker, and author Robin Shear has a contingency plan for the inevitable times when everything feels terrible. Instead of spinning — and it would be so easy to hop on the merry-go-round of doom — she turns to her “Joy Bucket List,” a list of all the things that make her happy: test-driving fast cars, being spontaneous, sharing new experiences with her family. She suggests others to do the same and keep it in their phone or some other easily accessible place.

Having a physical reminder is helpful, “because there will be times in your life when you don’t feel joy. When life is really hurting – and when you’re recovering from it – it can be difficult to think about what will bring you joy again,” says Shear. “Once you’ve already done the work and made your list on a piece of paper, you’ll find it’s a lot less challenging.”

Incorporate daily habits you look forward to

Every morning, Deborah J. Cohan drinks a cup of coffee in a colorful ceramic mug. She’s already looking forward to it the night before. Another favorite part of her day: Going swimming under the stars at night. “I think there’s something multisensory about joy,” says Cohan, a professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina, Beaufort. “You smell it, you taste it, you see it—it’s a heightened sensory experience.” Think about how you can incorporate enjoyable habits into your day. Then enjoy the anticipation, because that’s part of the magic.

Find a tasty way to express gratitude

There is strong research to suggest that gratitude promotes well-being. But sometimes it feels like too much effort — or, as McInerny puts it, like “a blunt force object to force people into a better attitude.” If keeping a gratitude journal or expressing gratitude isn’t a source of joy for you, think of more creative ways to reflect on and appreciate the good things in your life.

When McInerny’s son broke his arm just before summer, he was sentenced to a giant cast that made it impossible for him to swim or participate in any other fun activities. “The day he took it off, he said, ‘Say goodbye to my cast, Gerald,'” she says, revealing that her son, even in an awkward situation, came up with a cute, funny nickname for his orthopedic device. It reminded her to find something happy and funny in every crappy situation. Now she’s looking for an “everyday Gerald,” or one little thing that’s good even on a bad day.

Treat yourself to a short “break” every day.

You’re never too old to take a break, a sentiment backed by extensive research. Even short amounts of physical activity can boost your mood and reduce your risk of depression. Shear likes to schedule a 5- or 10-minute play session once or twice a day. “It’s a date with yourself. And whenever that time comes, you stop what you’re doing and you can spend a few minutes doing what makes you feel good,” she says. For example, Shear used to hula-hoop during breaks and likes to set a fun ringtone on her phone to let her know it’s time to go—the grown-up version of a break bell.

looking for connection

Lost in a black hole of gloom, McInerny calls someone she loves. The conversation may only last a few minutes, but that’s enough to lift her up.

If she is particularly overwhelmed, she looks for other small, tangible contact possibilities: When she goes for a walk, she tries to catch someone’s eye. Or she sends a card to a friend. “Anything I can do to help connect with other people is really helpful,” she says.

dance it out

Music is a reliable way to spark a few minutes of joy, says Melanie Harth, a psychologist from Santa Fe, NM, whenever your mood takes a dip. “I dare everyone to go on YouTube and Pharrell Williams’ Happy or Sara Bareilles’ Brave and I don’t feel any better” — or give up your gloom and start dancing, she says.

Help someone or something

Robust research shows that helping other people or getting involved in a cause you care about correlates with well-being. Look for an opportunity to give back, even if it’s a small amount: by planting a tree, donating blood, or contributing to a friend’s online fundraiser. “It can help us get out of our creepy little heads and focus on something more important,” says Harth. “And it can also help catalyze an unexpected moment of joy. You never know when that will happen.”

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