How to Get Over an Unexpected Breakup and Move On

So you were dumped. shit, right? Chances are you’ve spent the last 400 hours or so crying, eating cheese, crying some more and listening to TED Talks titled “How to mend a broken heart‘ as messages pour in from your friends saying they ‘always knew he was a fake.’

At least that’s how I did it. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend of five years — the person I thought I wanted to marry — broke up with me. Just hours after we danced together to my Discover Weekly playlist and watched a compilation of memes in bed, he told me he needed to be alone to understand his life.

Did you know that when you hyperventilate, you can also choke on your own snot? Not me! In the weeks since, I’ve had to figure out how to survive in an alien world where I’m not his girlfriend – I had absolutely no idea how I was going to be me without him.

But many, many others have also been going through this heartbreaking period of grief, grieving for a future they thought they and their partner would share. At some point we all start moving on and living our new lives. I talked to relationship Experts and some of the formerly heartbroken to find out how best to get over a bad situation break up.

Let yourself feel the sadness

“My split came as a total surprise at the time, at least to me. I dated my boyfriend for years and honestly thought he was the one I would stay with forever,” says Charlotte van Ginsbergen, a 36-year-old teacher from Antwerp, Belgium. “I felt like we had grown a little bit apart, but it never even crossed my mind to break up. I thought it was a phase and we could work on it.”

“He told me [via Facebook Messenger] He felt like ‘we were over’ for a while – he had cheated on me abroad.”

When faced with the sudden end of your relationship, be kind to yourself. It’s the oldest cliché in the book, but pain is natural. It may feel like swallowing a searing ball of lava once you wake up and remember what happened, but it’s part of the grieving process – you’re only grieving for someone who is still alive.

“It’s hard to accept things that don’t make us feel good,” she says Psychotherapist Laurie Singer. “But accepting the situation and reminding ourselves that it’s okay to be sad is a positive first step toward healing.”

Don’t contact them. Serious.

It’s a big transition for a person to go from someone you talk to almost constantly—the one whose mind you can read if you see a twitch of an eyebrow across the room—to a total stranger. You may feel the urge to send them a post you saw on Instagram that reminded you of them, but don’t do it.

“There is evidence that when there is a breakup, there is activity in the fundamental brain region associated with addiction,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and senior scientific advisor to dating app Match.

“A person recovering from alcoholism would not leave a bottle of liquor on their desk. Get rid of the pictures, cards and letters. Don’t text, call, show up, inquire about their lives through mutual friends or social media. There’s someone camping in your head and you need to get them out.”

Accept her decision

Trashy online articles with titles like “How to Get Your Ex Back” usually tout the idea that a so-called “no contact rule” of at least 30 days will make your ex realize their mistake and rush back to you. John Hughes movie style, boombox in hand.

It’s a harsh truth, but they’re not coming back. stop waiting You are more than a dog lingering at the window for someone who has decided to kick you out of their life. I know you still love her; love yourself more

Unfollow them, FFS

I see you scrolling through her tagged photo tabs on Instagram! I see you are trying to figure out who they are dating based on the reflection in their sunglasses!! I see you checking if they are your mutual friends in the background of BeReal!!! Stop it.

“I think the least helpful thing was not blocking him on Facebook,” says Sasha Main, a 22-year-old student from Wiltshire whose partner suddenly dumped her three years ago. Of course, knowing what they’re up to is natural, but it won’t make you feel good no matter what you find.

Just listen to Sasha: “After we broke up,” she recalls, “he moved on very quickly and after we went into lockdown I kept checking his Facebook page and got really annoyed when I looked at all looked at the pictures of him and his new girlfriend.”

Jessica Alderson, a relationship expert and co-founder of the dating app So synchronous, agrees. “There’s no good in following your ex’s social media. If you find yourself wanting to do this, think about what you want to know and whether it will make you happy. Also, you can tell social media very little about how someone really feels.

Concentrate on yourself

Now is the time when you can be the most selfish person in the world. Do anything and everything you want. Eat that stinky Roquefort your ex hated, get that nose piercing they said didn’t suit you. Spend hours cooking your favorite dessert. Memorize all the capitals of the world. Fuck it, moving to Berlin this weekend just because you can.

Exploring what makes you happy will fill the hole they left in your heart. You can make yourself just as happy – even happier – than you did.

“Least helpful [to getting over him were] Too many “what if” scenarios are in my head,” says Charlotte. “I could think about such things for hours and days, but these thoughts won’t get you anywhere. They just made me blame me or him for different things.”

“For years I had this feeling in my gut that he was the best opponent I would ever find. That really held me back. Because of that, I didn’t really take the time to really get mad at him and set boundaries in the relationship.”

Proceed at your own pace

Sure, everyone says you have to get under someone to get over someone, but does that really hold up? Getting some hot, full-body attention from another warm body can help you feel those butterflies again, but don’t delve directly into someone else’s life to dull the pain of the breakup. It’s not fair to either of you.

“You should avoid rushing into a new relationship,” advises Singer. “It is important that we give ourselves time to heal. It’s also a good time to ask ourselves if we want to be in a relationship or if we need to be in a relationship. They’re different.”

Also, prepare for them to move on

I’m so sorry, but you’re sleeping with other people now. They will take her to the restaurant you used to go to and kiss her on her temple like they used to do to you. The pain of this fact will fade over time, but you have to be prepared for it or it will tear you in half when it happens.

“When you start thinking about your ex with a new partner, you may wonder why they chose someone else. It’s easy to feel ‘less than,'” says Singer. “We have to remember that the relationship we had was unhealthy and we’re moving on and learning from the experience.”

Know that one day it won’t hurt anymore

“I think the way things were going wasn’t the right way to continue the relationship,” says Charlotte. “There wasn’t enough communication between us and we both prioritized work/study too much at the time. We were each other’s first long, more mature relationship and we didn’t really know how to work on a relationship. We just hadn’t done it before. We were a great couple and very much in love and each other’s best friends until we weren’t anymore and we didn’t know how to make it right.”

“I think in the end we both learned a lot from each other and from our relationship. We kind of grew up together and got lost in the growing pains of that process. But we continued to grow and now we are what we were when we first met: friends. And that feels good.”

Someday, maybe soon, maybe years from now, you’ll realize that the relationship wasn’t your whole world; It was just nice to share my world with this person for a while. Until then, go out with your buddies, cry as much as you need, and of course get yourself a sex toy.

@thomsonjessic