How to Handle Office Gossip … When It’s About You
Gossip comes in different forms that serve different purposes. When used as an indirect way to show up or engage in interpersonal relationships Conflicts can lead to drama in the workplace. So what should you do if you find out a colleague has been gossiping about you? First, let the gossip man know that you will discuss it with the gossip fellow. You may lose access to some information. But if your example positively influences others, you may gain a healthier workplace. Second, when confronting the gossiper, focus first on the content of their gossip and not their method. When the person’s concerns are valid, you benefit from the feedback, and you demonstrate both an openness to feedback and a willingness to hold others accountable in a way that might encourage them to do a better one the next time they have a concern to make choice. Finally, ask them to promise that you will hear the complaint before others in the future—and promise them the same yourself.
Imagine a colleague of yours, “Beth,” approaches you one day and tells you that “Gareth,” a relatively new member of your team, has been making snide remarks to her about you — and you as a “lightweight ‘that wouldn’t be’ referred to in the job if not to get hired before the company could attract people with references.
Beth reports this in a hushed voice, then adds, “He can’t know where you heard it, okay?” What should you do next?
As I wrote earlier, gossip comes in a variety of forms that serve different purposes:
- It can be a source of information for those who distrust formal channels.
- It can serve as an emotional trigger for anger or frustration.
- It can be used as an indirect way to uncover or engage in interpersonal conflict
It is this latter form that creates much drama in the workplace. This kind of gossip is communication minus responsibility. It is collusive falsification of problem solving. In the example above, someone is telling you that you’ve been gossip—and they’re using gossip as a vehicle. They share information on condition of anonymity.
The defining moment in confronting gossip like this is not after You hear it, though if you hear it In an ideal world, Beth would have informed Gareth at that moment that she would have to share the information with you unless he was willing to do it himself. However, since this did not happen, you as the victim must decide whether to continue the gossip or invite responsible communication.
If you agree, implicitly or explicitly, to engage in gossip in order to gain access to gossip about you, you become part of the problem. They also prevent themselves from taking the only kind of action that could lead to a solution: an open and respectful dialogue that leads to mutual understanding. How you deal with that moment — the moment you’re invited to gossip — becomes crucial. Here are three things you can do when someone else is gossip about you.
Don’t listen if you can’t act.
I adopted an ethic years ago that I always use to draw a line on those who wish to share information about another person. If I see the conversation going in the direction of gossip, I politely interrupt the person and let them know that I’m likely to act on the information given to me. This helps them understand that speaking is a responsibility and gives them the opportunity to choose to keep the information to themselves.
In the above situation, Beth has already shared important information. At this point, you could say, “Thanks for letting me know that Gareth has concerns about me. I will discuss this with him. I have no need to share your name, but he might suspect you shared it.” If that makes her nervous, you should still maintain your boundary. For example, you could say, “I’m going to discuss this with Gareth one way or another. If you’d like to let him know one day or so that you shared with me, feel free to take that time.” If she chooses not to, you can move on.
Of course, there is a risk with this approach that people will think twice before sharing gossip with you. You may lose access to some information. But if your example positively influences others, you may gain a healthier workplace.
Address the right issue first.
Next comes the conversation with Gareth. A gossip episode like this involves two conversations: one about the process and one about the content.
Most people’s first instinct is to bring it up process Problem – ie the fact that Gareth is speaking negatively behind your back. You guess the contents of gossip in Worthless and immediately confront what bothers you most: the inappropriate way he peddles his “fabrications.” A better way to proceed is to focus on those first contents Problem – Gareth’s obvious concerns about your competence – rather than the “talking behind my back” problem.
be humble. Don’t frame the conversation (even implied) as “shame on you for talking behind my back,” but rather as “if I’ve disappointed you in any way, I really want to understand. Or if my skills fall short, I need that feedback.” This approach helps in a number of ways. First, if the person’s concerns are valid, benefit from the feedback. Second, you transcend tit-for-tat reactions in a way that might prevent it from escalating into future personal conflicts. And third, demonstrate both an openness to feedback and a willingness to hold others accountable in a way that might encourage them to make better choices the next time they have concerns.
Don’t be put off if the person initially claims misunderstandings or downplays what they say. Repeat your request for feedback and encourage them to openly voice any concerns they may have.
Discuss the process problem.
Only after you’ve examined the other person’s concerns can you productively hold them accountable for the indirect way their feedback got to you. Ask for a promise that you will hear the complaint before others in the future – and promise them the same yourself. If you humbly asked for feedback in the previous step, you have the moral authority and security needed to hold them accountable for their bad behavior.
There is no guarantee that gossip will be eliminated in this way. But it guarantees that you become part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem.