How to make friends as an adult, according to a friendship coach
If you’ve ever moved to a new city, or just outgrown the crew you used to hang out with in college, then you know firsthand the awkwardness of making friends as an adult. But as it turns out, it’s not your fault. According to research, our social network grows exponentially until we’re about 25 years old, and then it starts to decline.
“Gone is the consistent school environment where you see the same people who happen to be in the same stage of life at the same time,” said Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship coach and author of the forthcoming book. Fight for our friendships. “It was a place that encouraged friendships and suddenly that background was removed. Then we ask ourselves how can I make friends without the support of this social infrastructure?”
It’s up to us to facilitate our own social opportunities, which is why work is the best place for people to make friends as adults. But this is different now that many people are in a hybrid office environment.
“Now that we’re having fewer of those random moments by the water cooler and sitting side-by-side in cubicles, we need to look at our digital workspace as an opportunity for friendship,” Jackson suggests. “Once we go far away, we mentally complete the work as a potential breeding ground for friendships, but if we change our mindset, we will realize how much gold is there.”
To encourage a workplace friendship, Jackson suggests sending a Slack or email to a colleague after a Zoom meeting to answer a question they asked or something interesting they shared. You could write, “Hey, just reaching out because I’m so glad you asked that question. I thought about it, but you were brave enough to ask, so I wanted to thank you,” Jackson suggests.
“That one interaction can help you gauge whether they’re ready to start a personal relationship,” she says, which can lead to them texting each other, exchanging phone numbers, and maybe meeting up for coffee.
If you’re looking to make friends outside of your workplace, read on.
Become a regular customer
If you’re waiting for the perfect match when it comes to meeting your new best friend, then you might be waiting forever. Instead, Jackson encourages people to fit routines into their day, like going to the same coffee shop or dog park at about the same time, whether it’s Monday morning or Saturday afternoon.
“Some of us underestimate how much intention goes into building friendships,” she says. “It creates what we call familiar strangers – people you see all the time – and now it becomes less intimidating for me to go upstairs and top up your shoes or ask you a question about the venue we’re at.” because we see each other all the time.”
Check out who you already know
Chances are, there are people in your life such as: For example, your hairdresser, personal trainer, or neighbors who might make good friends—if you were open to that opportunity.
“The problem is that so many people confuse ‘I want to make new friends’ with ‘I want to meet new people’ and we use those terms interchangeably, but they’re not the same thing,” Jackson explains. “Friendships simply relate to the art of nurturing something meaningful with another person, and who says you have to start from scratch all over again?”
The same principle applies to rekindling previous friendships. Research shows that people appreciate it when others make random contact. So next time a funny TikTok reminds you of that spring break trip you took with your college roommate, send it to them.
“Any chance they won’t answer? Sure,” says Jackson. “But the average person will be flattered that you thought of them and it might reignite your friendship. Maybe they thought of you too, and now you’ve revived something. Don’t be afraid to delve back into the friendship archives.”
Contact a super connector
We all know that person who happens to know everyone. You are usually outgoing and love introducing people to each other. “Reach out to that person and make your desires known,” Jackson suggests. “So many of us don’t make friends because we feel like it makes us look desperate.”
When you reach out to a super connector, you can say, “Hey, I’m trying to be a little more connected in this town, and I was thinking of you because you’re always out doing something cool. I wanted to ask if there is anything here that you think is worth checking out? Or are there any upcoming events that you would recommend?”
Making new friends as an adult requires challenging yourself—both emotionally and physically. But once you break the mental block, you might meet a new friend or two. It may just take a little creativity and open-mindedness on your part.
“It all starts with connection,” says Jackson. “Friendship begins with rapport and rapport begins with hello. Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to make new friends, just start by saying hello.”