How to manage precious and difficult people
We all have people in our personal and professional lives that we challenge. We can label them as ‘precious’, ‘difficult’ or ‘hard work’. The typical approach to dealing with such people is to try to avoid them or find a way to work around them.
This may work as a short-term approach, but it’s ineffective as a long-term strategy. Instead, you should try to spend more time with them.
Spending more time with a person gives you the opportunity to better understand their perspectives and what motivates and drives their behavior.
This approach follows the advice of Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, who said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
We all interpret the world and what is happening through the lens of our own experience. Consequently, it is very easy to misinterpret a person’s intention or to think that we know what they are thinking or why they are behaving in a certain way.
By trying to understand, we reverse judgment and drop the labels by being curious, open-minded, and interested in them. All of this puts us in a much better position to maintain a healthy relationship.
Listen first; talk later
People want to feel heard and have their needs heard. If they don’t, they will either take one of two ends of the spectrum – withdraw from the conversation or find ways to destabilize or aggravate it.
On the other hand, when a person feels heard, they feel valued and that you care about them. This is because they think their point of view has been taken into account and you are interested in what they have to say.
Effective listening is about being genuinely interested in what is being said and what is not being said. You’re trying to understand what the other person needs, so you listen with empathy and compassion.
This means asking questions and trying to clarify what you’ve heard before sharing your ideas or offering a solution. That way, you acknowledge how they are feeling and take the time to recognize what they need.
Challenge your reaction
When you’re feeling frustrated or upset by the actions of others, it’s important to question your immediate reaction.
A reactive response does not usually come from the smartest mindset and is potentially damaging to your health, your relationships, and your leadership brand.
A considered response is one in which you are naturally curious about what is happening, what might trigger a response, and why you want to react or feel a certain way.
This approach is not about ignoring your feelings. Instead, it’s about making sense of your feelings and acknowledging them. It means accepting that in many cases, the source of the frustration is less important than the importance you give it and what you do about it.
Once you have this understanding, you will have a better understanding of how to respond and what actions to take.
So the next time you come across someone at work or in your personal life that you find difficult or valuable, ask yourself:
- Why do I feel this way?
- Why is it important to me?
- What meaning am I giving to this situation?
- What else could it mean?
- What would be a wise answer?
As you answer these questions and work through the best approach, you’ll learn more about yourself and the other person.
This approach doesn’t mean moving away from your values and not standing up for yourself and what you believe in. However, it does mean that you are open to the perspectives of others and recognize that you don’t have a license to be right.
When you stop reacting and take the time to think, reflect, and respond, you will find more meaning, deeper relationships, and better outcomes.
Written by Michelle Gibbings.
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