How To Navigate Thanksgiving Catch-Up Questions Like An Etiquette Expert

Even with the best of intentions, a Thanksgiving conversation with a loved one can quickly go downhill. We’re not even talking about when the Cousin inevitably brings up politics over turkey. We talk about those well-meaning questions that just don’t sit right.

For many, this Thanksgiving will be a big year to gather with family and friends. The last two Thanksgivings have probably looked a little different, often with some loved ones missing from the once crowded celebrations or even taking place over Zoom. Needless to say, we’re more than ready to see some familiar faces this Thanksgiving. Even with social media as a helpful tool, it’s long overdue to catch up on what’s been happening in the lives of friends and family since we last met this kind oh so long ago.

In the trepidation of knowing all the details about what happened, we are sometimes confronted with questions that are just a touch insensitive or can make us uncomfortable. this party gaffe is all too common. We’ve all heard (or overheard) a variation of “when will you give me a grandchild?” Chances are that the person asking the question has only the best of intentions and means it affectionately, but that doesn’t mean it will always be received that way.

Or maybe a family member is going through a transition. They may be going through a divorce, moving house, or changing careers. It’s perfectly reasonable that those who care for her should ask, “What’s next?” However, if the answer is still uncertain, this question can be stressful and exacerbated simply because you know it will be repeated multiple times by every person you meet with throughout the day.

How can you handle these situations politely? No matter how many times it happens, these conversations will always be difficult. As a college senior staring at the end of my school years, I resorted to outrageous lies when my family asked me what I would do after graduation. It prompted a laugh and defused the situation by making it perfectly clear that I had absolutely no idea what the future held but probably wasn’t the best course of action. To guide us through this year’s tough questions, we turned to the etiquette experts for help.

“Honesty is always best,” advises Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert at the Protocol School of Texas, immediately disqualifying my strategy. “You might not be feeling great and that doesn’t mean you have to hide your feelings, but try to focus on answering the question and not just monopolize that question with all your worries for the next hour.”

Or on the contrary… avoid the question all together.

“We give people mercy — it’s Thanksgiving, and we give them mercy with what they ask,” says Gottsman, “but we also have to set our boundaries. In a very polite and polite way, we can choose not to have this conversation. We don’t have to say it, but we can just change the subject ourselves or talk to someone on the left or right. As good tablemates, all we have to do is read the room and read the table.”

To the inevitable question, “Why aren’t you married yet?” Gottsman recommends a combination of these two strategies. “I’m very happy with my life and marriage is still off my radar to this day. I’ll make sure and let you know if that changes, but in the meantime tell me how your tai chi classes are going.”

When these questions are adequately subverted, we also have a responsibility to ask thoughtful questions. Sure, we may now be equipped to face these questions, but we still shouldn’t put the same pressure on others when we know firsthand how uncomfortable it can be. That doesn’t mean we have to walk on eggshells when catching up.

“The holidays are for celebration, but let’s face it,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach. “We’ve all had our trials and tribulations in recent years – everything from financial challenges to illness and possibly even some deaths and job losses. So I would only recommend that you keep the conversation light-hearted whenever possible and try to stay away from controversial topics.”

Body language and how you say things, not just what you say, can be a big help in conveying good intentions, both Gottsman and Whitmore explained. So this Thanksgiving, handle catch-ups like an expert. Keep it light and kind to keep the peace.