How to Not Take Things So Personally

Don’t wish there was a “return to sender” button in your head when someone is being harsh (rude, frustrated, hurtful, thoughtless, accusatory…please fill in the blank) to you when you’re asking them asked how he was during the day, or ordered your frappuccino from them, or even walked past them on the street? If that proverbial “RTS” button is fully functional, we could just send the unwanted comment back with a “Oh, here you go, wrong address; I think this is yours.” And even add a “Have a nice day” as a flourish. Instead, after these brushes with someone else’s “stuff”, it may take a bit (or a lot of) to shake off the feeling. We walk away carrying what appears to be a much heavier emotional burden than we came in—taking on the burden of another’s needs and problems without our permission, without rent, when it’s daunting enough to take care of our own, thank you .

So complicated. So painful. So every day of our lives!

Even though we know intellectually at some point, or even immediately, that rocking someone’s boat, intentionally or unintentionally, isn’t ours, it doesn’t seem to bode well for how our bodies react to the discomfort. We may feel insecure, agitated, and have trouble concentrating. We are restless. pacing pumped.

what just happened

We want to reset and stabilize, but something deep inside just won’t let us go.

However, there is good news: we can break free from these moments.

“Free ourselves?‘ you might be thinking, ‘But what about this person who takes responsibility for their behavior?’ Yes, absolutely, yes. Wherever and whenever possible. But in the meantime – since we are the ones suffering, project number one is helping us feel better. And fortunately this can (if necessary) be a DIY project: ie this is not dependent on the other person admitting anything – although that would certainly help. This isn’t typically a DIY project, which we’re naturally good at (to free ourselves from feeling someone else’s negative behavior) due to our primitive, threat-oriented wiring, so please be patient and have mercy on yourself ourselves — but read on, because despite our wiring, there are some specific workarounds we can do. Here are a few ideas.

How do you describe the moment? Change the designation to neutral if you can

Our survival as a species depends on the brain as a “good enough” situation marker. No perfect. The amygdala, the threat detector/mobilizer part of the nervous system, reaches out to the label maker at every potentially threatening moment and bets on speed over accuracy, reaching out to the label maker to immediately warn us and instruct us, “Fight, flee, freeze!” Our Nervous system was built in a time of threats like tigers, not insults. For this reason, our first “etiquette” in situations of interpersonal awkwardness may sound like this: “You don’t respect me! You’re trying to hurt me! They hate me! You’re trying to piss me off!” Global statements about ourselves make us reel. The degree to which we think these actions and words affect us personally is directly proportional to our suffering from them. Going back to decide on a second label is an essential step that we often overlook. Secondary labels may sound like, “You’re tired, you’re frustrated, you’re a kid, you feel threatened about yourself,” etc., etc., and are likely to leave us with a more accurate interpretation of what happened and make us nervous about the system’s bandwidth to reset .

Do a yes and: From “I’m right” to “That doesn’t help me”

It is understandable why certain actions upset us. That is not up for debate. However, we do have choices about what we do with what people do to us or around us. At the same time, the more we realize that it’s not good for us to keep rethinking that threat interpretation, whether they meant it or not, the more options we have for what to do next. This is where the “yes, and” maneuver is advisable: “Yes, it was rude or hurtful, and it won’t help to keep checking.” I will continue to work towards compassionately going elsewhere when it comes to my mind.”

Consider the source, remember who is speaking

We’ve all heard the phrase “consider the source,” and it’s often used as derogatory or disparaging, but a quote I learned in grad school is meant to offer perspective rather than blame:

“Everything that is said is said by someone,” said Humberto Maturana, a Chilean biologist whose work influenced the founding parents of family therapy.

This may sound obvious, but what is meant is that we must consider the speaker’s motives, history, experiences, prejudices, mood, etc., rather than ourselves as the recipient or target of that statement: (understandably) less likely to feel hurt , where it came from.

Since communication is a two-way street, it will help if we are all more aware of the potential impact of our words on each other and do what I call “cleaning up as we go” when those words are causing harm. Apologies are the first port of call.

Why should I feel sorry for her? Curiosity is a buffer and antidote to fear and also helps us (at first)

“Okay, now it’s all on me? Why should I do that?” you may ask – as if it were just for you that we do this thinking. Perhaps nowhere are the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama clearer when he said that the first beneficiary of compassion is the self We do this work to help our own hearts first. If our world is populated by “enemies” – what good does that do us? Please be compassionate to yourself. It takes time. If someone “pokes” you – yourself if it wasn’t intentional – it hurts, so please take care of yourself.

Can we really be curious?

Why do people act harshly when we do ordinary things? How is ordering your coffee happily a trigger for someone? If we actually do not look at these questions judgmentally, but rather with curiosity, I really want to understand In this way, this is the beginning of helping ourselves to be less influenced by the behavior of others, stopping the threat response in its tracks, and perhaps helping us to be more compassionate about what other people are going through. And being compassionate instead of being angry or hurt also helps us feel better about ourselves.

The fact is, we don’t know why people do what they do, but when we stretch to imagine the reasons why our hearts are softening, we don’t feel offended, don’t have to fear them, and can move on.

Pay It Forward: Clean up as you go

People (mostly) don’t try to drive us crazy. It’s just who they are. It’s who “we” are – we can all do this to ourselves. And even if they are trying to do that – it’s about them, not us. If we imagine your communication as a package in front of your door or in your mailbox, we can decide: shall we open and sort? It may feel like people’s behavior is somehow forced upon us, but from another perspective, it’s not. It’s an offer, not a commitment. And let’s not forget, your reaction to their package — again, it’s a package to them — well, all in all, the better we get along, the better we are. Deciding to sort through and share your hurt feelings means meeting in the “aha middle” — that’s where you decide it’s safe to say why something hurt you — being willing to say, that it wasn’t on purpose.

Keep only what is yours – what expands you and helps you grow

Perhaps a “return to sender” button is something we can remember to push discreetly in our own minds in difficult moments, so we can calm down and a thoughtful, growth-enhancing conversation can ensue. Then we can respond with curiosity to each other’s uncomfortable communication, allowing for a deeper, more connected experience and understanding of life (this is on a good day, to be sure). Here’s to all of us getting more of it!

Dr C

©2022 Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.