How to Say “No” to a Narcissist

Setting boundaries can be challenging for many people, and learning how to set firm boundaries when confronted with narcissistic traits is exponentially more difficult. People with narcissistic traits are often naturally adept at pushing boundaries and testing the waters to see how far they can really go to get what they want — usually at the expense of their relationships. For a narcissist, relationships are just a means to an end.

Understand the narcissistic perspective

To better understand how to safely interact with people who exhibit narcissistic traits, you must first clearly grasp their perspective of the world. When it comes to interacting with others, narcissists only do so to achieve their goal — which always involves power and some sort of control. Narcissists are not empathic, although they can be adept at predicting the emotions of others (a talent that comes in handy when using people to their advantage).

Trying to explain your feelings to a true narcissist in hopes they’ll understand how their behavior hurts others rarely works. Narcissism consumes everything in its path.

The safest option when communicating with a narcissist is simple: don’t interact. Unfortunately, many people cannot escape narcissistic relationships and must learn to adapt while maintaining an instinct for self-preservation. The most important skill to master when dealing with a narcissist at any level is to say “no” effectively.

Simple steps to say “no”.

For healthy relationships, “no” is a complete sentence. No, you don’t want to be kept up to date. No, you don’t want to take this job. No, you cannot meet at this time. In relation to narcissists, a “no” ceases to be a complete sentence and can feel more like an invitation to debate.

While it will be challenging, mastering the ability to say “no” to a narcissist is possible—and seeing results from it. A few basic steps can make the process easier, but becoming proficient takes repetition and practice.

1. Develop a script. Narcissists will never take “no” as a full sentence. They see it as an open door and an opportunity to convince you why the answer should be yes instead. Developing a script to respond to these attacks is invaluable.

The ideal script should be short, polite, and efficient. Be careful not to give reasons why your answer is “no” as this will only encourage further debate. Instead, focus on memorizing a phrase that can be used repeatedly: “I’m not interested, thanks.” “I’m choosing to stay home, thanks.” “I have nothing more to add, thanks. “

You’ll feel uncomfortable using your script at first – it’s part of the process. Narcissists are usually so focused on getting their point across that it takes multiple responses with your script before they realize you won’t back down. Eventually they will stop chasing you when they sense there is no new fuel to add to Fire. However, in true narcissistic form, they will likely return with a different request in the future. Be prepared to create as many scripts as necessary (or reuse the same) to set limits each time.

The value of a screenplay is in relieving the tension in the moment while taking the pressure off you to find a perfect answer. Having a script ready ahead of time will keep you from engaging in the back-and-forth arguments that narcissists thrive on.

2. Take time to think about your answer. Narcissists thrive on instant results. They love to surprise you and make you comply with their demands. Before you need to, allow yourself to take a breath and think about your answer before answering it.

In modern society, instant gratification is readily available—but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge in it, and you should avoid it at all times when interacting with a narcissist. Whether in person or in writing, if you receive a request from a narcissist, wait at least an hour before responding. It’s safest to resort to a script, “I’ll think about it and get back to you,” and then take as much time as is appropriate for the situation to consider your response. The time you spend contemplating your response will allow you and the narcissistic space to cool down and de-escalate.

Ideally, each interaction is worth a timeout before responding. In reality, there will be situations where this is not so feasible and you will be forced to come up with something immediately. It’s also possible that if you routinely take your time before responding, a narcissist is working harder to get you into that instant response situation—another reason that early preparation can be one of your best defenses.

3. Don’t deviate. Once you’ve decided to say “no” to a narcissist, you can’t leave that stance. Any backtracking, no matter how trivial it may seem at the moment, will only encourage a narcissistic person to go harder next time. Don’t agree to reconsider your answer – that will only set the stage for the same showdown another day.

While it sounds easy on the surface, staying within your limits with a narcissist will be incredibly challenging. They will use scare tactics, threats, and gentle manipulation to get you to move. Refuse to give up no matter how they go about it. How firm you are now will help determine the level of your future challenges with them.

While it’s by no means easy, it’s possible to set boundaries with a narcissist — and stick to them. It takes immense inner strength, especially when confronting the threatening behaviors of many narcissists, but the payoff will eventually lead you to less intense conflict and ultimately fewer clashes overall.

Narcissists usually never give up. When you’re their victim and can’t leave the relationship, your only line of defense is understanding what is driving their behavior and learning to recognize when it’s safe to intervene—up until the moment you have the power to decide to stop interacting with them.