How to speak to children about the Queen’s death

uneasy. Overwhelmed. Confused. If you’ve been surprised by the intensity of your emotions since hearing the news of the Queen’s death, you’re in good company.

News of the 96-year-old’s death – who ended the longest reign in British history – has saddened news readers and prompted thousands to flock to their homes to pay tribute with flowers or simply only to communicate in their sorrow. But we’re not the only ones feeling uncomfortable right now.

“Kids will also sense that something important has happened,” says Jane Gilmour, clinical psychologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital and author of This is how you have incredible conversations with your child.

“We know that even very young infants can sense changes in the atmosphere and emotions around them, and so depending on their age, they will have different levels of awareness that something is wrong.”

What that response will be, she explains, will vary from child to child — and may evolve as we move through the various events that define this carefully choreographed grieving period.

But if you are a parent or guardian of a young person, opening up a dialogue about what is happening can be incredibly helpful to help them better understand and process this confusing time.

“Our job as parents is to translate the world,” adds Dr. Gilmour added. “That’s definitely true, but in this particular situation it’s important to be proactive and explain what happened in clear, direct language.”

Of course, any parent who has ever received a question that has left them speechless knows that this is easier said than done. Here explains Dr. Gilmour on what a constructive conversation with your child might look like — and why it’s worth having.

Use language they can understand

If you think death is a difficult concept for adults, it’s even harder for a young child. And while preschoolers can have a loose understanding of what it means to die, that understanding doesn’t happen overnight; instead it is a process.

Because death is a confusing term for children, it’s important to use clear and direct language, says Dr. gilmour “Adults use phrases like ‘they passed’ or ‘we lost someone’ without really thinking, but little kids can take things literally and may think we’ve literally lost the queen and can’t find her.”

To avoid this, she suggests using phrases like “The queen has died” and “It means her body has stopped working” and using examples from nature to illustrate the life cycle and help children to understand that death is permanent.

Put big concepts in context

Of course, death isn’t the only elusive concept currently under discussion.

From TV and radio hosts proclaiming the “end of an era” to members of the public sharing their fears that life will never be the same, the collective feeling is that something has changed , noticeable.

“But without context, those little phrases can take on unintended meanings that can be incredibly scary for a child,” adds Dr. Gilmour added.

She cites the example of referring to the queen as “old” or “elder” — a fact that a child might interpret to mean the death of their own older relative is imminent.

And yet, that doesn’t have to be your cue to turn off the news. Instead, Dr. Gilmour “Co-Watching”; Like a child’s response to Laura Kuenssberg, your job is to add context and analysis where needed.

Going back to that “end of an era” phrase: “You can say that when someone dies, things can change and that can be sad, but it’s not something to be afraid of – it’s part of life. ”

In addition to channeling your inner Kuenssberg, Dr. Gilmour to adjust to the phrases being thrown around – on the news; around the dining table; at the school gate – and provide context in which you think your child heard something that they may have difficulty understanding.

Name the emotion, but don’t act it out

If the Queen’s death stirred up some emotions that you found surprising, know that it’s common.

“Events like this can trigger some strong emotions, even if there is no personal connection to the deceased,” explains Dr. Gilmour, adding that the death of a public figure can also trigger emotions from the death of a loved one inside your own world to resurface.

Also, she adds, you shouldn’t feel like you have to completely hide these feelings from your child. And if you’re sad, it’s okay to communicate that.

“This means naming your emotions, and not only is it good practice in families in general, but it’s also a great way to encourage emotional literacy, which is good for mental health,” she adds, with caveats that it is also important how You said it.

“If you find yourself feeling very distressed — for example, constantly tearing your eyes — try to keep that experience out of your child’s earshot and take those feelings to a partner, friend, or family member instead.” processing them,” she adds.

“It’s about managing your emotions in a way that’s possible [the child] feel like the world is a safe place. Because that’s one of the most important things you can offer as a parent. It means naming the emotion without living it out.”

Create a blueprint for talking about emotions

Whether you grew up in a family where feelings weren’t articulated, or you’re the parent of a young child who has never been exposed to a once-in-a-lifetime event like this, you may not yet have a blueprint for getting on with your child difficult things to say.

But while moments like these can be challenging for children (signs a young child might struggle with include a sudden change in behavior, such as bedwetting or trouble sleeping, notes Dr. Model healthy emotional behaviors in your family.

“When children are processing emotions, it’s normal for them to feel a little unsettled for a while, and your job as a parent is to be by their side and give them a space to talk about their feelings,” explains Dr. gilmour

What this looks like depends on the age of your child. And what’s right and appropriate for preschoolers and preschoolers (“it’s about being honest, straightforward, and quiet,” shares Dr. Gilmour) differs from the style of communication you need with teenagers (“ask them how they feel and then give them the time and space to think about it and come back to you”).

“But most of all, you give them the message that you talk about difficult things and you get through them together. And if your child knows from that experience that you’re doing this in your family, that’s a positive thing.”

Know that an imperfect conversation is better than no conversation at all

If you feel like arguing with your child about difficult things, listen to this: An imperfect conversation is better than no conversation. On this point, Dr. Gilmour definitely.

“If you leave spaces, kids fill it in very often — and they can fill it in with information that may not be true,” she shares.

“No one is perfect, but the simple act of showing that you want to connect with your child and talk about what’s happening is so much more important than getting it right.”

“And while everyone may be sad right now, the experience of strengthening your parent-child bond can be an unexpected positive outcome.” Done, as they say, is better than perfect.