How To Start Dom/Sub Relationships, According To Experts

Trying out new positions, toys, or techniques in the bedroom are great options to spice up your sex life and keep things exciting and fresh. It’s a way of maintaining intimacy and passion with a partner, especially in a long-term relationship. If you’re familiar with kinks and power dynamics, you may have heard of dominance and submission. This dynamic can be practiced in numerous forms, both inside and outside the bedroom, and can vary widely in appearance—but what exactly are dominance and submission?

“Domination and submission is the idea of ​​one person leading and another following,” says Dr. Sara Sohn, physiotherapist and pelvic floor sex counselor. “Exchange of power is inherent in all relationships. Dominance and submission play with the exchange of power to enhance the connection.” The way people practice a dominant/submissive dynamic (usually abbreviated as D/s) often depends on the nature of their relationship.

Exploring a D/s dynamic with your partner can be both exciting and intimidating, and there are safety tips and pointers to consider before diving in. Read on to learn all about trying out a D/s dynamic with your partner, straight from the experts.

How do I know if a dom/sub dynamic is right for me?

The world of kink and BDSM is vast, so it’s easy to get overwhelmed when you first step into it. Rather than committing to a lifestyle or dynamic like D/s, take the time to assess how it might fit into your life and benefit your relationship. For example, if you or a partner have love language for acts of service, it can feel really good to play that out in your intimate life with dominant and submissive roles.

If you’ve seen movies like Fifty shades of gray, you probably have a specific image in mind of what it looks like, but these representations are not the only models for dynamics (and usually aren’t the most common). Your primary focus should be figuring out what the best D/s situation is for you and your relationship, says Lola Jean, sex educator and principal of 7 Days of Domination. Focus on what brings you and your partner joy and fulfillment.

“You may not necessarily feel ‘called’ to add a power dynamic to your relationship, but adding it can definitely enrich your current relationship,” says Lola Jean. “D/s or even Kink can help a couple communicate better and utilize their playful sides, [and] They will also better understand how they are feeling and how to communicate that.”

What does a dom/sub dynamic look like?

Many people adhere to certain “standards” in their relationships, which are often based on patriarchal or heteronormative models, says Lola Jean. “Our socialization can affect where we are think that’s what we’re supposed to be,” she says. “So a cis man may have a harder time communicating or even fulfilling submissive desires because it’s associated with being ‘unmanly.'”

Instead of focusing on those outdated assumptions (i.e. a man is the dominant and a woman is the submissive), Lola Jean encourages you to focus on what feels right in your relationship. “Rather than getting bogged down in labels, why not focus on those feelings desired by each party, which can be translated to either side of the slash,” she says. This could mean that each person tries both roles.

Some couples try these roles in the bedroom occasionally, others commit to D/s full-time in their “normal” lives. If you feel a desire to serve your partner or let them take control in any way, you should explore your submissive side. This could seem like being told what to do, or agreeing to be punished in the bedroom with something like caning or bondage, or surrendering to your partner full-time and living the dynamic 24/7 . For a more dominant partner, they may want to be referred to by a specific title—like “master,” “mr/mrs,” or “mom/dad”—and control their partner, physically or mentally, to please both.

According to Sohn, there are also certain established structures for D/s in the kink community. These include SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink), and Son’s personal favorite – TICK (Trauma-Informed Consensual Kink, created by Candace Liger). These power exchange structures are ways to maintain safety and consent in your relationship while allowing room for personalization and exploration.

How can I safely explore a dom/sub dynamic with my partner?

If you’re interested in talking to your partner about trying out a D/s relationship, Sohn recommends “Thinking[ing] of scenarios where you and the partner got caught up in the lead-and-follow dynamic and [where it fits] Good. Use that as a starting point.” Do you usually make your partner breakfast in the morning? Do you usually delegate tasks to your partner on the weekends and give them specific instructions on how you want to get them done? If so, these could be elements to play with when attempting a D/s dynamic with a partner. Son recommends asking questions like, “Hey, I enjoy making your coffee in the morning. What do you think about making this my responsibility in a power play exchange? or “I enjoy taking control of the sex and letting you check out. Would you consider investigating this in a more formal way?”

According to Sohn, both sides of the D/s spectrum are focused on service. While the dominant partner may take pleasure in having the other submit to him, his act of dominance is also a form of service in itself. “In a romantic relationship, aside from sex, service is a great way to practice a power exchange,” says Sohn. “From the dominant side, it could be decision making when decision fatigue sets in. On the submissive side, it could be negotiating that coffee ritual with a gesture or a word. Service can be both a dominant and a submissive act; it comes down to intentionality.”

The point of D/s is that both you and a partner achieve mutual and consensual pleasure. “If you know Kink from existing or movies, check your ego at the door,” says Lola Jean. “You’re going to need a lot more than a safe word. Don’t feel pressured to “get to the end” or make each activity “successful.” You have all the time in the world to build on every kink or activity.”

Taking the time to slowly build knowledge and skills around the dynamics is key. Lola Jean recommends going on a date night, taking a kink- or D/s-related class, and checking out resources like her Domming 101 class (for people new to the role) or one of the 60+ classes that offered in 7 Days of Dominance, all taught by professional dominants.

Remember that you and your partner should do this for your mutual benefit. Focus on what excites you and what you want to try together, says Sohn. “Initially, use an opt-in system for negotiations rather than an opt-out. Try the things that make you feel an enthusiastic “yes.” [about]. Negotiating is a skill, a verb, and dynamics can always change over time.”

Experts:

dr Sarah sonPelvic floor physiotherapist and sex counselor Better sex from Sara

Lola JeanSex educator and principal of 7 days of reign