How to survive a 10-minute conversation with a philosophy minor

The very, very normal Sauder student sitting next to you at Koerner said, “It just feels like we’re living in a panopticon, you know, like Foucault.”

And you panicked. You are a philosophy minor. No fear. Just follow these 53 simple steps and you’ll get through that conversation with a wannabe middle-of-the-dinner-party attention without a hitch.

First confirm: You need to be sure that this vaguely human-shaped individual is actually a philosophy minor. Ask them something like “What do you think about the meaning of life?” When they respond by asking if you’ve seen it Bojack riderI am sorry.

Second, don’t ask: Although you might want to ask them to explain what they mean, don’t. The person next to you has no idea what they’re saying, and asking them for an explanation only leads to a series of meaningless names that make you feel like you’re really… existential?

Does that mean anything?

Third, try to understand: It might actually be an interesting conversation!

My editor holds me at gunpoint and asks me not to accuse all philosophy minors of being terrible people. Someone help, I think she might be a philosophy minor.

Yes! Maybe you could learn a really cool philosophy! It could be choked out of a video essay about it Rick and Morty and remember what it was like to be 14 years old, but it’s probably philosophy.

Fourth, spit: Remember the time your high school English teacher made a semi-racial reference to Buddhism for half an hour? Big. Maybe you worry about saying things you don’t mean or even remember. Do not be. Nothing you say at this particular moment counts, so just let Mr. Danbury speak through you.

You may slip into a frightening self-confidence. Don’t worry! Your misplaced feelings of superiority can convince the philosophy minor that you’re a really smart person, and he might respect you enough to stop talking for five seconds. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

Fourth, apologize: There’s a chance, slim as it may be, that your bar mate may have a modicum of empathy left over from his freshman days, undiminished by the sense of ‘got it all’ after misreading Nietzsche for PHIL 100.

Tell them that in the 20 seconds since you started your conversation, your grandma, your dog, your goldfish, and your kindergarten reading friend all died. It won’t stop them from asking you if you’ve heard of Kant and agree with something called the “categorical imperative,” but they might let you go after that.

Fourth, ask them to repeat: If you keep asking them to repeat what they said, they may think your approval isn’t worth their time. The goal of the Philosophy minor is to convince you that you know a lot about philosophy and are therefore very cool and smart. If they think you can’t understand their book cover interpretation of Plato, then you might have won. Does Your Dignity Really Matter?

…

Fifty-three, just nod: It’s physically impossible for a philosophy minor to stop speaking. If you just nod along and stay silent, they will suffocate in just a few (long) minutes. This option should only be considered as a last resort; From 100 uninterrupted seconds autocomplete philosophy there is no going back.

But if all else fails, you know they’re (probably) human, and that’s a weakness you can exploit.

As simple as that! Next time you hear the name “Deleuze,” keep that in mind [REDACTED] and you will be fine.*

*The Ubysse is not responsible for any physical, mental or monetary costs incurred as a result of contact with a philosophical minor. Other restrictions may apply.

The Dingbat is The Ubyssethe humor department. Submit pitches and completed pitches to [email protected].