How to Survive and Overcome Mom Guilt

Even the most disciplined, hardworking, and dedicated mothers have a limit to what they can give their children. No matter what it looks like, we’ll reach that limit before our children have everything we want to give them. And that’s where Mom’s guilt comes in.

Mother guilt can take the form of self-doubt, overwhelm, self-loathing, and confusion wrapped up in the stress of unfolded laundry and crumbs on the floor. It can feel like you’re letting everyone down – your kids, your partner, yourself – when you give it your all, and yet it still feels like you’re not living up to expectations.

You can’t wallow in it; there is no time And you cannot succumb to it and give up; the stakes are way too high.

However, you can find a way to put the mother’s guilt in their place. To understand how to do this, we spoke to a parenting expert for some tips.

What Causes Guilt in Moms?

There are two main forces that contribute to mother guilt. There are external, societal pressures as well as internal pressures that come from mothers themselves.

External causes of maternal guilt are ideas from the culture around us that demand perfection from mothers without supporting it. Certain women are expected to find a way to “have it all” without needing help.

Then there are the internal causes of guilt in the mother; the ones that come from the way we feel inside. This may be related to what researchers call the motherhood myth, the concept of a perfect ideal of motherhood that many of us hold and compare ourselves to. No one does justice to the mother in her head, and the motherhood myth is ultimately unattainable, but that doesn’t stop many moms from constantly comparing themselves to this enigmatic figure.

There isn’t much formal research on who exactly feels the mother’s guilt the most. A 2011 study of younger mothers from lower socioeconomic backgrounds observed how these mothers responded to educational programs designed to reinforce their parenting strategies. The mothers in the study questioned the validity and practicality of these strategies and resisted the idea of ​​maternal guilt. Although this study is small, it does raise the possibility that a certain demographic of middle-class older mothers is most vulnerable to these strong feelings.

Why Do Working Moms Always Feel Guilty?

Many of us have felt some guilt towards the mother. But knowing about it doesn’t take away the power of this emotion.

Donna Whittaker is Vice President of Curriculum and Education at Big Blue Marble Academy. According to Whittaker, mothers who work alongside raising children may feel guilty about their ambitions and confused about their priorities.

“Mums who work from home struggle with guilt because they feel home is where they should put their children first and put work in the rearview mirror. Many working mothers also feel guilty about missing out on their child’s daily development and progress,” says Whittaker.

Why do even stay-at-home moms feel guilty?

Stay-at-home moms aren’t immune to maternal guilt, either. Mothers who take a career break to stay at home as full-time carers for their children may feel conflicted about their choice because of the impact on the family’s quality of life. In many households in the United States, living off only one partner’s income can become a financial burden. Moms may wonder if this strain has any negative effects on their children. Whittaker points out that in such situations, families can sometimes not offer their children things that some two-income households take for granted, like private music lessons and fun family vacations.

How can mothers overcome mother guilt?

Your mom’s guilt can be hard to shake off, but there are ways to work through your feelings.

Whittaker says if you’re a homemaker who worries about finances, it might help to replace negative thoughts about what your child doesn’t have access to with positive thoughts about other things they’re getting instead. “These children may not get private music lessons, but they can take music lessons at the local library. When her kids’ bikes aren’t shiny and new, the used bikes can still be used to cycle down to the neighborhood park for a long picnic lunch with Mom. This approach helps take the mother’s guilt out of the experience,” says Whittaker.

And if you work full-time and worry about not being there for your kids, focus on the things you’re doing can Control. Focus on the quality of time your family spends together, not the number of hours you spend at home. “It really takes self-reflection and figuring out what it means to you to be a ‘good parent,'” says Whittaker.

Whittaker also emphasizes that working moms, workingout-Home moms and stay-at-home moms also need to celebrate the achievements of parenting instead of focusing on how they fall short of the picture of what they think their lives are.

Sometimes changing our thought patterns is enough to break the cycle of mother guilt. In other cases, recurrent maternal debt can be a signal that our lives are too busy with work or activities and that it’s time to take a step back from a thing or two.

Whittaker says that mothering guilt can sometimes even be an appropriate emotion when aimed at building resilience, improving our abilities to take care of ourselves, or showing us areas where we need to ask for more help.

In order to deal with maternal guilt in a healthy way, we need to explore the difference between healthy expectations of our lives and the unrealistic picture of what our children need from us. Ultimately, children thrive on stability, predictable expectations, communication, and support. None of these factors require perfection in the form of material things, nor do any of them require a stay-at-home mom.

It’s a natural instinct to want your child to have everything. Some might even argue that wishing you could give your children anything you could give them is a good thing. But presenting our children with a mother who doesn’t hold grudges or guilt about her life — or her limitations — is a gift in and of itself.