Learning how to recover from toxic relationships | Relationships

Rebecca Humphries’ honest and candid column (My partner cheated on me on Strictly, but it takes another heartbreak for me to quit toxic love, October 15) touched me when she said, “My heartbreak…was of the inevitable Knowing that even though they had been very different men, I had acted the same way in both relationships… I had prioritized her needs to the point that I couldn’t remember which were mine.”

Standing aside in this way is almost a textbook description of codependency. Coming out of an emotionally abusive marriage of nearly four decades and noticing some red flags in a new relationship with an exciting but unavailable man, the reading reminded me that I still struggle to tell the difference between arousal and excitement to recognize fear.

I’m an adrenaline junkie raised in a catastrophically dysfunctional family of origin, so as an “adult child of” I must actively learn to tell the difference between arousal and a restless state of hypervigilance in myself. I am becoming more aware of and gradually changing my own behavioral patterns by following the 12-Step Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) program, the entry point of which is anyone who wants to learn how to have healthy and loving relationships. That’s most of us, isn’t it?

Like other 12-step programs, CoDA does not advertise itself, but relies on personal recommendations. So here’s one from me. In my experience, CoDA is neither self-help nor therapy, but a highly effective transformational program that is free and accessible to all through in-person and online meetings. It helps me break free of the codependent patterns, traits, and conditioning that drives me to get into toxic relationships in the first place, and gives me the tools not to do it again.
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Thanks to Rebecca Humphries for putting into words the feelings I’ve struggled with for years – a “creeping loss of joy, meaning and confidence” that has accompanied my life for the past 20 years. Like her, I thought these were just the bumps in the road that you encounter in any relationship. Always considering myself to be a little reckless and impulsive, I punished myself for these “mistakes” by forcing myself to work harder. You made this bed, now you should lie in it. Just be a little more flexible, just give a little more, accept it when he tells you that you are too sensitive and that you always see the worst in things.

I consider myself an intelligent woman. Life trauma distorted my perspective and created a vulnerability that caused me to make bad decisions. Now I can see the patterns. Shrink me, my world and my opinions to fit. Use alcohol to drown out the voices of reason. Ignore family concerns. Accept all kinds of unreasonable behavior and often take the blame for it.

I recently turned 60. Like Humphries, it took me two painful experiences to understand the implications of toxic relationships and gaslighting. In the end I got there with a lot of help. I hope Humphries’ article will enable other young women to see the writing on the wall and take action.
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Heartbreak comes in many forms. I think I’m one of those “broken bird boys” that Rebecca Humphries refers to – heartbroken at my daughter’s refusal to accept that her mother and I couldn’t stay together after 24 years of marriage – apparently my fault. She has refused to speak to me for the past three years. Although her mother and I are still close, I am lost. When I meet someone who wants to take things further, I get scared and eventually break off before I can cause someone else the pain I caused my daughter. I’m determined to heal, but it has led to leaving everything and everyone I knew behind and going to a completely different place. I feel better and happier now.
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