The Stages of Grief After a Breakup (and How to Survive Each One)

There’s a reason a breakup often feels like death. Whether you initiated the breakup or are on the other side of a breakup, there is a specific grieving period that comes at the end of a relationship.

“When a relationship is truly valued, a breakup can be incredibly stressful mentally, emotionally, and physically,” she says dr Carla Marie Manlya clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart: Transform your relationships and love fearlessly. “It’s natural to mourn the loss of the person, relationship, and relationship routines that felt precious and familiar. When a person is heavily invested in a romantic relationship, the breakup can be just as devastating as the actual death of a loved one. When we grieve, we give the psyche a chance to overcome—and come to terms with—the heavy feelings that arise from a major loss.”

It’s no surprise that the five stages of grief, first outlined by psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, can also be applied to a breakup.

“The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are nonlinear in nature. A person experiencing grief may go through the first four stages before eventually, if ever, reaching the stage of acceptance,” says Manly. “Some go through the different stages quickly (e.g., going from denial to anger and then quickly back to denial again), while others stay in a stage like depression for a longer period of time. Whether grief stems from the end of a relationship, the termination of a loved job, or the loss of a loved one, the stages are the same.”

With that in mind, here are the five stages of grieving after a breakup and tips for navigating each stage.

refusal

“When there is a breakup, the first phase of denial generally manifests as disbelief,” says Manly. “It’s common for people at this stage to say, ‘I can’t believe this happened to me,’ or ‘It must be a bad dream.'” Even if there were issues before the breakup, you could opt out of therapy convince or time could help to solve your problems or that your partner will change their mind soon.

While Manly emphasizes that it’s important to have self-compassion and patience as you move through each stage of grief, she says when a sense of denial arises, “it’s important to acknowledge that denial — the wish things could be different— is part of letting go.” In other words, take stock of what happened and try to understand that the breakup was for the best — even if you’re not seeing it right now.

Fury

“The anger phase often involves outbursts of anger, outbursts of anger at one’s ex-partner, or even projecting anger onto friends, society, or family,” says Manly. “During this phase, those who are vulnerable dieSexual regulation may display deeply angry behavior toward the ex-partner or material items associated with the partner (e.g., throwing away personal items associated with the ex-partner).

But being angry isn’t always a bad thing, according to Manly. “When we stop to feel our sadness, anger, and frustration, we give our feelings a chance to breathe,” she says.

However, People tend to stay in this stage for a while, especially when they feel victim. To channel your anger wisely, consider speaking up with a close friend or family member or taking a new training class. (boxing maybe?)

Negotiate

“Negotiations often come in the form of wishful thinking or actually reaching out to the ex-partner to get back in touch,” says Manly. “For example, a person might call an ex and say, ‘We should try again. I promise I will do better this time. I’ll even go to therapy if you think that will help.’”

Negotiation is usually used as a way of avoiding the pain you are feeling and making yourself feel better (even if it means completely ignoring your past problems in the relationship). You could even try involving your mutual friends and family to try and convince your partner to come back. Instead, connect a trusted friend or family member who can help remind you of your worth and worth –and why breaking up was the right choice for you. Immersing yourself in hobbies and activities that build your confidence is another great option.

depression

“Depression is often theenduring phase, especially if the ex-partner was genuinely loved,” says Manly. “Depression results from the realization that a person is largely powerless to make real change, and that loss is real. This stage involves deep sadness over the loss of a partner, relationship, and loss of other factors like mutual friends, family and familiar activities.”

Here you could have trouble sleeping, eating and/or engaging in habits that can numb your feelings such as drugs and alcohol, shopping, casual sex or overeating. This is the best phase to turn to a therapist or doctor for help. “It’s important to seek support from a psychotherapist if the grieving process feels uncontrollable or is interfering with your ability to function,” says Manly. “Breakups can be incredibly stressful and discouraging; reach out to others so you don’t have to bear the pain alone.”

assumption

Here you have finally accepted the breakup and are ready to move on. It doesn’t always mean that you have completely let go of your partner and have no residual emotions; it just means that you have found some peace with your situation and are ready for the next phase in your life.

“Ideally, we let each phase wash through us and then move on,” says Manly. “In this way, we realize that grief is our psyche’s way of allowing us to slowly let go in order to prepare for moving forward.”