Why We Argue and How to Stop

This post reviews the book, Why we fight and how to stop it, by Jerry Manney. The book is described as a guide to managing disagreement, managing emotions, and building healthier relationships through the use of scientifically validated communication tools.

Basis and Scope

The scientifically validated communication tools described by Manney come from a program called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT). Originally by Robert J. Myers, Ph.D. Developed to help family members encourage substance abusers to seek treatment, the positive communication aspect of CRAFT has been shown to improve the tone of communication in general, not just in substance abuse cases.

Although Manney touches briefly on the role of substance abuse in disputes and makes many references to the principles of the Al-Anon 12-Step Program, his primary focus is on relationships where arguments do arise, even when drugs are not a factor: the workplace , social media, spouses, intimate partners, ex-spouses, and parents and children.

why are we arguing

Manney examines the reasons people fight and begins by listing 19 possible arguments he’s encountered in over 35 years of consulting practice. Then he identifies the main reason for the dispute. Arguing is an attempt to change another person’s behavior when the other person’s goals conflict with your goals. In a previous blog post, I explained how conflict in relationships is inevitable because people’s goals are never fully aligned, and how people use moral arguments to persuade others to put their interests ahead of others. But trying to force people to support your goals while ignoring their own interests is a losing proposition. Such arguments tend to involve emotional outbursts, screaming and sometimes violence that destroys all relationships. Because this type of argument isn’t productive, Manney explains how to take a break from heated arguments. A constructive resolution of disagreements can only take place when people are calm, respectful and focused on working together towards a solution acceptable to all.

Another way

Manney also alludes to a line from Rita Mae Brown’s book Sudden Death: “Insanity keeps doing the same thing but expecting different results.” This quote, often repeated in Al-Anon meetings, illustrates a common human weakness , our tendency to act out of habit, even when our actions have been totally ineffective. This makes up the rest of Manney’s book, which encourages us to try a wide range of different communication techniques that we’ve probably never considered before. Instead of arguing harder, he suggests we try a new, different approach.

The list of new communication technologies is so extensive that it can overwhelm the reader. Fully aware of this potential problem, Manney at one point rhetorically asks the reader, “Are you feeling overwhelmed?” His proposed solution is a variation of the 12-step “one day at a time,” meaning “one step at a time.” He encourages the reader to try one technique at a time to see how well it works. He also encourages the reader to keep a journal to record factors that trigger quarrels (particular times of day or week, particular comments, topics and actions of others), our old, habitual ways of communicating in quarrels, attempts to use new communications techniques and the consequences of using the new techniques). Positive change is possible, but only if we carefully monitor and record our interactions with others.

Seven guidelines for positive communication

Manney also describes the seven principles of positive communication in the CRAFT model. He summarizes these seven principles with an “overarching principle that positive, respectful, non-confrontational communication is more likely to get you the desired outcome: that your concerns are truly heard and considered.” After realizing that your old fighting habits were ineffective, you may be open to trying something different. In short, here are the guidelines.

• keep it short. Long-winded tirades cause confusion and defensiveness. Focusing briefly on one issue at a time increases the likelihood of a positive outcome.
• be positive. If you respectfully communicate what you want instead of what you don’t like, they can better understand your expectations. (But make sure your expectations are reasonable.)
• Be precise. Generalizations like always, never, everyone and nobody are rarely true. People are better able to change specific behaviors than vague, generalized patterns.
• Label your emotions. People are better able to understand your feelings when you can name them precisely and accurately.
• Provide an understanding explanation. Showing that you understand another person makes them less defensive.
• take partial responsibility. Acknowledging your role in a conflict shows that you are not scapegoating the other person and are willing to change.
• offer help. Jumping in unsolicited to clean, fix, and move items, among other things, is disrespectful. It’s more productive to simply ask, “Is there a way I can help?”

Other principles of positive communication

While the CRAFT model of positive communication makes up the lion’s share Why we fight and how to stop it, Jerry Manney sprinkles in an additional set of positive communication principles. Most of these principles are accepted wisdom in the counseling profession, although scientific support for the principles varies. For example, Manney advocates the use of “I” statements rather than “you” statements because the former are constructively assertive and the latter are destructively aggressive. Tone is certainly important in conversations, but in a previous blog post I questioned the perceived superiority of “I” statements.

Manney also notes that in any interaction, the best we can control is our half of the conversation. It encourages a proactive rather than reactive style, where we focus on what we want to say and saying it in a way that others will hear and respect. This gives us control over our thoughts, feelings and actions. If instead we only react to supposed criticism, we are on the defensive and give the other person control over our emotions. Taking things personally when they weren’t caused by you is called cognitive bias personalization in cognitive behavioral therapy. An excellent way to avoid reactivity is to remember the second of the four covenants: “Don’t take anything personally.” This covenant recognizes that each person perceives the world in a unique way and that if someone criticizes you, do so indicates a disorder in his mind, not necessarily a fault in you.

Understanding that people have different perspectives has a number of positive consequences for communication. One is that we’re less likely to engage in what cognitive behavioral therapists call it polarized thinking, the misconception that people are always either totally good and right or bad and wrong. Another is to avoid what cognitive behavioral therapists call it Read minds, the tendency to assume what people think and feel. The third of the four agreements is “Make no assumptions”. The best way is to ask others what they think and feel.

In his discussion of how people see the world from different perspectives, Manney explains the differences between the way men and women process information, experience the world, and communicate their experiences. He only documents a few examples and I wish he had provided more. Professor Deborah Tannen has done extensive research on gender differences in communication and a reference to her work would have been appropriate here. Gender differences are also generalizations that do not always apply to individuals. It would be wrong to assume what someone thinks based on their gender. Again, it’s always better to ask.

Another excellent idea of ​​Manney’s is self-care, which isn’t a bad kind of selfishness. We cannot be of any use to others unless we are in good shape ourselves. As the flight attendant says, “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” We cannot engage constructively with others when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), or severely stressed (SOS). Self-care includes good eating habits, exercise, sleep, relaxation, and enjoyable activities every day. It also requires good time management, prioritizing and doing what matters most first. We must also stop arguing with ourselves by letting go of negative self-talk, resentment, self-righteous outrage, anger, excessive guilt, and fear, while cultivating empathy, gratitude, perspective, and a live-and-let-live attitude. Part of the live-and-let-live attitude is asking ourselves when conflicts arise and only getting involved when it’s really necessary: ​​”How important is this?”

A final note on self-improvement

It is always useful to remember that you are not an omnipotent being who can control everything. Problems and conflicts are part of being human. Change is possible when you can cultivate an attitude to life that will help you through difficulties. Practice makes progress (not perfection). Recognize when you need professional help for serious mental illness (Manney also addresses common issues like anxiety, depression, substance abuse, violence, and sexual abuse that require professional intervention; I wish it included personality disorders). I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in improving their interpersonal relationships.