Your Tesla Has Installed the Latest Update and Is Now a Toaster
The latest over-the-air software update for your Tesla Model 3 has been successfully installed. Your vehicle is now a toaster.
Frequently asked questions about this update
Where’s my steering wheel?
You no longer need a steering wheel. Your car is now a toaster. Toasters do not require steering wheels.
Why is my car a toaster?
Tesla’s safety team has found that more than a million people die in car accidents every year. Toasters are much safer and kill less than a thousand people a year. We’ve reduced the odds of your Tesla killing you by more than 99.9 percent.
Why isn’t my car moving?
Your car is a toaster. You are much safer now.
I wasn’t home when this update was installed. How do I get home?
It sounds like you need a car. Press the Bagel button to access the main menu, then tap Tesla Showroom Locator and filter by “cars” to find a showroom near you that still sells deadly cars instead of safe toasters.
I can’t believe I’m asking this, but does Ludicrous mode still work?
Yes! Ludicrous mode now coats any item you want ridiculously delicious in a thick shell of all the bagel spice, then blazes toasting it in 2.8 seconds.
What about autopilot?
Most people toast on autopilot. You can use the accelerator to toast manually if you prefer.
Do I still need a driver’s license to operate my Tesla?
No, anyone can use a Tesla Model 3 Toaster without a license. It’s like owning a gun in Texas. You can throw away your driver’s license. Or toast it in Ludicrous mode.
What do I do if my waffles get stuck?
Pull the emergency brake to raise the toaster slots. Do not stick a butter knife in your Tesla Model 3 toaster.
How do I clean my Tesla?
To remove loose crumbs, wait for your Tesla Model 3 toaster to cool, then hold it upside down over your kitchen sink and gently shake it.
How do I contact customer support?
Just say, “Hey Toaster, call Tesla Support.”
Can I undo this update?
No, you cannot undo this update. Resetting this update would increase the chances of your Tesla killing you by more than 100,000 percent.
Oh no. Has my wife’s Model Y been updated too?
Yes it has been updated.
Is it still a Model Y?
Naturally. It’s now a Tesla Model Y Panini Press!
Can I trade my toaster for a car?
No. Cars are much more expensive than toasters. We’ll trade you a new Tesla Model 3 Deathcar Classic for 1,142 Safe Toasters. You can upgrade to the Performance model for an additional 476 toasters.
Can I speak to Elon?
Sorry, Mr. Musk is busy toasting a trillion dollar bill.
Enjoy your toast.