Expert Advice on How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

This story contains descriptions of physical and emotional abuse. If you or a loved one are a victim of abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or log on to thehotline.org for help, or call 911 if physical abuse is occurring or imminent. For more information on the warning signs of domestic violence, visit the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) website at womenslaw.org.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you may feel like you’re hopelessly stuck. These feelings are normal – in fact, statistics confirm how difficult it is for victims of domestic violence to break free. “It takes an average of five to seven attempts that someone leaves an abusive relationship permanently,” says Judy Ho, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage: Six Steps to Unleash Your True Motivation. “Don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t succeed the first time. And never think it’s not worth it.”

In short, breaking free from a physically, emotionally, or financially abusive relationship could save your life. It probably won’t be easy, but there are steps you can take and numerous resources to help you increase your chances of exiting forever.

Remember you are not alone.

When you are dealing with abuse of any kind, be it physical, verbal or otherwise, you can feel like you are stranded on an island. Unfortunately, domestic violence statistics paint a bleak picture of how common domestic violence is: 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence from an intimate partner, almost half of men and women have dealt with psychologically aggressive behavior of an intimate partner and 94-99% of domestic violence survivors have also addressed financial abuse, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. That means someone in your community has likely experienced what you are going through.

Know that it is brave to want to leave.

“One of the first things to realize when you get to the point where you want to go is that you are very, very brave and courageous to take the steps to get there,” says Shanequa Anne Holiday, MPA, Senior Director of Shelters for Safe Horizon. “Let your courage empower you to protect yourself and your family.”

Loop in your support system.

Make a list of trusted people—friends, family members, neighbors, or co-workers—who you can count on for help when you need it. These are people who know your situation and what you have been through to some extent, and who you can turn to during the exit process and beyond. “These may be people your partner knows (or not), but preferably they’re people they don’t know well. Have your support system’s contact information handy and let them know you may need it in a moment,” says Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, of KW Couples Therapy.

Your trusted people can also act as an accountability partner of sorts, helping you navigate through all the back and forth that might be going through your mind. “It’s perfectly normal to question yourself – it’s a very serious, literally life-changing step, so it can be scary and stressful. It’s okay to be nervous, but that’s why it’s important to confide in someone (or a few people) who you trust and who can remind you why you’re doing it in the first place,” says Jackson. “It’s important to have a support system that can bring you back to reality and encourage you to make that change.”

Make an escape plan.

Each action plan will be different, but it’s important to have one. Organizing your thoughts and resources ahead of time will keep you calm and know what to do, even when emotions are running high. Step-by-step instructions for a good safety plan can be found on domestic violence resources such as thehotline.org – you can adapt the plan to your specific situation, e.g. B. if you have children, pets, or are pregnant, and trained attorneys are available to assist you 24/7 via phone (1-800-799-SAFE), SMS (SMS START to 88788), or live chat to control the process.

Your safety plan addresses all the things that are most important to you and that you need to start over safely (e.g. finances, finding a safe place to go if you leave, or access to an attorney ). “It can include a list of safe and unsafe areas, a list of phone numbers to use in a crisis, and suggestions for what to put in a holdall,” says Holiday.

It’s also a good idea to think about where to save this plan where your abuser won’t find it, e.g. B. on a work computer or an innocuous piece of paper in your wallet or wallet.

Research local resources.

Many domestic violence organizations can help you find temporary housing, financial support, and more. Safe Horizon, for example, works with abuse survivors in New York City to help get them to safe shelters, coordinate transportation, and provide essentials like clothing and groceries. Safe Horizon can even help track down important documents that you may have had to leave behind. “We also offer help with childcare, medical care, trauma counseling and more,” says Holiday. “We’ll connect you to resources you need so people have one less thing to worry about.”

See what’s available near you – national resources like thehotline.org can help you find out what’s available wherever you are.

Pack a travel bag.

“Try to fill a small bag with all your essentials that you can grab when you need to make a quick exit,” says Dr. Ho. Think of things like necessary papers and documents (copies or originals of birth certificates, medical records, social security cards, passports, etc.), money you can throw away without your abuser noticing, medication, and clothing. If you know there’s no place to hide that bag at home where your abuser won’t find it, ask someone in your support system if you can stash it on theirs.

Cover your tracks.

If your abuser controls or monitors your communications and internet activity, it is important that you do not alert them to your plan. If possible, try to access online resources outside of your home, and clear your internet browsing history on every home computer, tablet, and phone. This is also where your support system can help – it can help you with your research. And never share details of your security plan with anyone who might alert your abuser. The circle of people who know what you are doing should be small and trustworthy.

take notes

Many people who get into abusive relationships keep track of abuse or other details that can help them later when trying to press charges or manage a child custody situation, says Dr. Ho. And it’s important to keep pursuing these things even after you’ve decided it’s time to go. “Keep notes or files on what is going on. If your abuser has shared access to your computer or phone, name the file something trivial so they don’t try to open it,” adds Dr. Hey there.

Consider speaking to a therapist.

If you’re ready to consider leaving but just need an extra little push, finding a therapist to talk things over with can help. As an outsider looking inside, they can offer insight that your friends or loved ones may not have, and they can often help you kickstart your escape plan. “This can help you see the urgency to get out of the situation and give you the confidence to take the next steps,” Jackson says.

create distance.

Staying physically distant is obviously what your goal is, but “virtually” distancing yourself from your abuser is also a super important step in helping you not back down. “Block or delete her number, block all her social media, block her email. You don’t want them to have any contact with you that might make you want to come back,” advises Jackson. “Tell your family and friends to also cut ties with your abuser; everyone in your inner circle needs to cut ties with them so they don’t find it easy to work their way back into your life.”