How To Deal With A Toxic Mom Friend

When her son was a baby, Molly* became friends with a group of mothers whose children were the same age. One of them, she recalled, “was very outgoing and loud, always trying to get the group together to go out partying in the evenings. She was friendly and cool and definitely seemed like a fun mom friend.”

Parenting, especially when you spend all day with a baby or toddler, can be lonely and isolating. Most new parents are eager to meet others in the same situation, both to show compassion and to break the monotony of their day. It helps keep alive the identity you had as an individual adult before becoming a primary caregiver.

But instead of supporting you, some mom friends bring toxic energy into the relationship.

Molly’s new mom friend made her desire to party a priority and ended up destroying the whole group’s momentum.

“She started shaming those who didn’t want to go out and party at night. She made fun of me for not wanting to get drunk even though my baby was fed twice more overnight,” Molly said.

In Molly’s case, the group of friends split and Molly lost touch with the toxic friend. Looking back, Molly is disappointed because the two lived close together and their children got along well. But Molly also wishes she had reached out to others and made friends who shared her priorities at this point in her life.

“I wish I’d joined a music class or some other group so I could meet other moms,” Molly said.

Suchot Sunday, a business coach in Toronto, also had the experience of being mother-shamed by a toxic boyfriend.

“I took my daughter to a library program with a mom friend and her daughter for storytelling,” Sunday said. When the “energetic, high-spirited” 3-year-old struggled to sit still and listen on Sunday, “the mom friend was “very judgmental about how I should get her to sit down and be quiet,” she recalled. The friend also pointed out how good her own daughter was.

“We can all have days off when we say something we don’t intend to do,” Sunday explained. “But if it’s a pattern, I don’t want that in my life.”

Other parents with children the same age are perfectly placed to empathize with your struggles and relieve some of the pressure and self-doubt you may be feeling. But if they’re interested in building themselves up by tearing you down, watch out.

“Toxicity might look like a friend who always writes down your choices as a parent, asks questions about your child that imply there is something ‘less than’ about your child, or talks to others about your motherhood choices in a derogatory way,” explained Suzanne Degges-White, a professor at Northern Illinois University and author of “Toxic Friendships,” told HuffPost.

Other signs of a toxic friend include sharing something you’ve told them confidentially or downplaying good things that happen to you.

If you find yourself hesitant to make plans, spend time with this person, or seem to have “forgotten” to text back their text messages, it may be worth examining the dynamics of your friendship.

Spending time with a friend should make you feel better, not worse. You may even notice that your own behavior is uncharacteristic or toxic.

“What we tend to see in toxic friendships is that one person gets all their needs met and the other doesn’t,” Marisa D. Franco, professor and author of Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make — and keep — friends,” HuffPost said.

If you feel drained after spending time with this person or seem like you always listen to their needs when making plans, these are also red flags. Franco describes this failure to recognize the needs of both people as a “breakdown of reciprocity.”

Everyone has their bad days and makes mistakes, and it’s all too easy to say the wrong thing when you’re exhausted and stressed out from the drudgery of childcare. But toxic behavior is a pattern, not a one-time blip.

When deciding whether or not to discuss things, Franco suggests that you “Take a step back and look at the pros and cons of friendship.”

Ask yourself if this is a person who generally has your best interests at heart and gives you things you need and value.

Samantha Rodman-Whiten, a Maryland psychologist who said she prefers to use the word “unhealthy” when discussing these types of friendships, told HuffPost that “it’s a good idea to get a girlfriend Confront if you have a problem with her behavior — if you think she’s overstepped your boundaries, betrayed your trust, or is being rude to you.”

Degges-White agrees that speaking up now makes sense if you want to salvage the relationship.

“Sometimes people are unaware of the consequences of their actions for others, and when it feels like it’s a friendship worth saving, it can be the stumbling block for one, the other person letting people know how you’re feeling or how you perceive things is ‘toxic friendship detox,'” she said.

You can set a boundary and see if your friend values ​​the relationship enough to respect it. For example, if they’re constantly criticizing your upbringing, Franco suggests saying something like, “We don’t need advice on that.”

If you need to limit interactions with this person, a few ignored messages or explanations will likely alert them that you are busy or have other plans. But with mommy friends, chances are there’s a group of you and you don’t want to cut yourself off from everyone. You could try “I think I’ll just have time to meet up as a group.” suggested Franco.

“Sometimes there is a balancing act to be walked when your children are friends with their children or your partner gets along with them or their partner. Sometimes you have to set clear limits and only get involved in what is absolutely necessary,” says Degges-White.

Rodman Whiten said you could go by what she calls the “gray rock method”: “Be dull and boring, and don’t give them drama to latch on to and start conflicts.”

If there is one person you need to distance yourself from, try not to let it affect your friendships with others in the group. At the same time, put more energy into positive relationships between other groups of friends.

Ask yourself, who are the people who make you feel elevated instead of drained? Be proactive in building these friendships.

“DDon’t assume that friendships are organic,” Franco said. “That’s associated with loneliness over time.”

She recommends that you “take on people like you and then initiate.” Meetings that are repeated over time, like a monthly coffee or a playgroup, can help strengthen friendships.

“Women thrive when their friends empower them,” said Rodman Whiten.

“FFinding a “tribe” of other moms can be an emotional lifesaver for women who feel disconnected with their nonparent friends,” Degges-White said.

With all the responsibilities you have to juggle, it’s easy to let friendships slide down your priority list. But the benefits of these relationships are real.

Suniya S. Luthar, Ph.D., professor and founder of AC Groups, has studied the impact of Authentic Connection groups on new moms. These supportive peer groups, which Luthar has led in health care facilities and other settings, have been found to have a significant impact on maternal well-being.

“In our research, we found that closeness to friends is significantly related to many aspects of maternal well-being—even after accounting for the quality of their marriages,” Luthar told HuffPost.

On measures of burnout, stress, depression and even blood levels of the stress hormone cortisol, women who received group support with other mothers performed better than those who did not.

“Support in concrete forms such as carpooling and helping with childcare [is] helpful, but what really makes the difference is being able to say, “I feel seen and loved for who I am at core” when you think of your friends,” Luthar said.

If the friends you have right now don’t measure up to that bar, it might be time to find others who do.