New Psychological Research Teaches Us How To Not Mess Up A Marriage Proposal

A new study published in the Journal of Family Psychology analyzed more than 300 accepted and rejected marriage proposals to understand what makes a great marriage proposal.

“The typical Western proposal is to kneel, offer a ring, and say a variation of ‘Will you marry me?’ to ask,” says Lisa Hoplock, the lead author of the study. “The proposal often comes as a surprise. What my research shows is that while certain details can come as a welcome surprise, the timing of the proposal in the relationship shouldn’t come as a surprise. That means couples should agree on when and if they want to get married.”

Specifically, Hoplock’s study produced the following findings:

• Couples who experienced accepted proposals were more likely to discuss marriage before the proposal, and the proposals tended to come later in the relationship.
• When proposals were rejected, the proposer often assumed they were on the same side as their partner. Or they suggested salvaging the relationship (e.g. they had broken up or were fighting and the suggestion was an attempt to make things better).
• Accepted proposals had more of a ring than rejected proposals.
• Accepted proposals tended to take place in private.

With these results in mind, Hoplock suggests that a great proposal consists of three key elements:

1. No surprises. If the proposed person is embarrassed about marriage without first discussing it, the answer is more likely to be “no.” When it comes to marriage, surprises are usually uncomfortable.
2. Einstein. Getting married with a ring increases the chances that your marriage proposal will be accepted. It shows that you put thought, effort and resources into the decision.
3. An intimate setting. Asking your partner to marry you in front of other people can put a lot of pressure on them. A private proposal can give them the space they need to give a sincere, honest, and completely vulnerable response.

Hoplock and her team also found that women’s proposals were less successful than men’s proposals. According to Hoplock, this is likely due to gender norms. For example, one man in the study turned down his partner’s proposal because he wanted to be the one who proposed.

“According to Western scripts, men propose to women,” says Hoplock. “The fact that the man is the proposer and the woman is the proposer shows that you know how to follow the script.”

Why these “scripts” control important parts of our behavior is something that has piqued Hoplock’s curiosity for some time.

“Scripts help people make sense of life and connect with others,” explains Hoplock. “According to life script theory, celebrations often occur when life and event scripts are followed, but social repercussions occur when they are not followed (e.g., others might make derogatory remarks).”

For a full interview with Lisa Hoplock about her new research, see: The most common mistakes people make when asking the question