The No. 1 soft skill that predicts kids’ success more than IQ—and how to teach it
Through my research as a child psychologist, I have found that persistence is the #1 soft skill that separates children who are highly motivated from those who give up easily. In fact, studies have shown that it is a more powerful indicator of success than IQ.
Children with perseverance don’t give up in the face of setbacks. They believe their efforts will pay off, so despite any obstacles, they stay motivated to work hard and finish what they started.
Here are nine ways parents can help kids build endurance:
1. Fight the factors that discourage children.
The first step is to address the four factors that affect endurance. I like to use the acronym “FAIL” as a helpful reminder:
- Fatigue: Protect your child’s Ability to focus by sticking to regular sleep routines. Turn off devices an hour before bed and place screens outside of the bedroom at night.
- Fear: The pressure to succeed can create overwhelming feelings. Tell your child that your love doesn’t depend on their success.
- Identity based solely on fast performances: Instill a growth mindset in your child so they understand that success is not a given. Praise them for their efforts, not their results.
- Learning expectations that do not correspond to the abilities: Set expectations just above your child’s skill level. Expectations that are too high can create anxiety, while expectations that are too low can lead to boredom.
2. Teach that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
Remind your children that mistakes can be a positive, even if a situation doesn’t turn out the way they expected. Accept their mistakes and tell them, “It’s okay to make mistakes. What matters is that you tried.”
Admit your own missteps, too. This helps them to see that everyone makes mistakes and that success comes when you don’t let setbacks define you.
3. “Chunk” tasks.
Teaching your kids to break big tasks down into smaller, more manageable parts will make them feel more confident about getting things done over time.
For example, if they are frustrated by a math worksheet, have them take a separate sheet of paper and cover all the math problems except for the top row. Then lower the paper further down into the next row as you finish each one.
Or, if they feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of homework, they can write each task on a piece of paper, stack them by difficulty, and complete one task at a time.
4. Celebrate small victories.
Repeated failure can destroy stamina, but the smallest of successes can encourage a child to keep going, so help them recognize their small victories.
For example: “You got six words right last time. Today you have eight! That’s a win. You get better with your hard work!”
5. Expand your focus.
When your child wants to set a task, put a timer on their desk and set it for an appropriate length of time tailored to their attention span.
Explain that they just have to stay tuned in until the bell rings. Then they can take a short break and reset the timer.
Encourage them to see how many problems they can solve before the bell rings so they can see they are succeeding. Focusing becomes easier over time.
6. Fix “stumbles”.
When children give up, it can be because they can no longer find their way out of a challenge. Start by acknowledging your frustration and saying it’s a normal feeling. Try doing a breathing exercise or taking a break.
Then, when they return to the task, see if you can help them identify a small stumbling block that gets in their way.
For example: “It looks like you are confusing the addition and multiplication symbols.” Once the problem is clear, practice focusing on the stumbler until he slowly overcomes it.
7. Praise the effort.
Stanford Psychologist Carol Dweck discovered that when children are praised for their intelligence (eg, “You’re so smart!”), they’re less likely to stick around.
But when they’re applauded for their efforts (e.g., “You worked so hard on this! Great job!”), they’re more motivated and work harder.
To build perseverance, praise your child’s efforts, not their grades or results. The goal is for them to be propelled to success without any external motivators, which is why I’m not that into stickers and gold stars. Research has found that superficial reinforcers can actually reduce perseverance of children.
8. Come up with “stick-to-it” statements.
Negative self-talk like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not smart enough” stamina drains. Help your child choose a short, positive statement tell yourself when things get difficult.
Remind them to repeat this statement out loud several times over a few days until they can remember to apply it themselves: “Things don’t have to be perfect. I get better and better as I keep trying.”
9. Step back and let them find out.
One of my top parenting rules is: never do anything for your children that they can do on their own.
Every time you fix your child’s mistakes or do something for them, they increasingly learn to rely on you. There is an opportunity to develop endurance.
If you know your child can complete a task on their own, take a step back. Allow them to embrace this sense of accomplishment.
Michele Borba, EdD, is an educational psychologist, educational expert and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Some Kids Fight and Others Shine” and “UnSelfie: Why Empathic Kids Succeed in Our World That’s All About Me.” She lives with her husband in Palm Springs, California and is the mother of three sons. keep following her Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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